Veterinarians Will Carry Out
Future Capital Punishments

By Jim Berlin

Reacting to a public outcry over another botched execution of a death row inmate, Attorney General Eric Holder has ordered the American Veterinarian Medical Association (AVMA) to carry out all future executions.

On Tuesday an Oklahoma prisoner, Clayton Lockett, regained consciousness after being “lethally injected,” then survived another 40 minutes before dying of a heart attack.

“Veterinarians humanely put down thousands of animals every day without a hitch,” Holder said. “They are obviously more qualified than traditional doctors when it comes to euthanasia.”

Dr. Shelby Cowpie, president of the AVMA, readily agreed: “Medical doctors are a bunch of prima donnas,” he said. “Hell, our vets routinely put down cows and horses weighing one to two thousand pounds and they go out like a light. Bada-bing, bada-boom! Good night, Mister Bull!”

When asked if veterinarians might have a problem terminating human beings, Dr. Cowpie said the question is already being addressed:

“The props department at Disneyland has

graciously offered to provide animal costumes which a condemned inmate can wear at his execution,” he said. “The prisoner can dress, for example, as a large duck, a mouse, a bear, whatever. The prisoner is happy, and the vet can pretend he’s just putting down one of God’s lesser creatures. Everybody wins.”

A Texas death row inmate of Middle-Eastern origin, Ikill Ferfun, said he is all in favor of “getting the needle” from a vet rather than a regular doctor.

“I especially like the costume option, and I hope it isn’t limited to Disney characters,” Ferfun told a reporter. “I’m kind of a whimsical guy, and I think it would be fun to go out as Big Bird.”

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Future Capital Punishments

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