Hillary Clinton Groped Me
…My Nightmare in the Sky

By Jim Berlin

Nothing is more painful for a man than to admit he was the victim of female sexual assault, but I can remain silent no longer: In 1980 on an airliner somewhere over Arkansas, I was forcibly groped by the current Democratic nominee for president.

Traveling in my police uniform on official business, I’d been bumped to first class in Atlanta by a kindly desk agent who said her son was also a cop. An hour later we briefly stopped in Little Rock, Arkansas, and a woman in her early 30s took the empty seat next to mine.

I quickly introduced myself, but she hesitated before replying: “I’m, ahh, Pillory,” she said. “Pillory Minton.” The nightmare had begun…

I fell asleep immediately after takeoff – only to be jolted awake sometime later by a violent tugging on my…well, that private and sacred organ beneath my belt buckle. I think you know what I mean.

Pillory, wild-eyed and sweating, had covered us with a blanket and was muttering “Hot-diggety-dog, hot-diggety-dog!” as she went vigorously about her sordid business.

“What the hell are you doing?” I managed. “Shut up, big boy!” she hissed. “I love a man in uniform and I just can’t help myself!”

Bewildered, confused, I refastened my zipper, flung the blanket aside and stumbled from first class in search of a flight attendant.

“You don’t look well, sir. Are you all right?”

hillary-clinton-ugly

“That woman next to me, Pillory Minton, she just…”

“Oh, you mean Hillary Clinton, the First Lady of Arkansas. She’s the governor’s wife.”

Oh, what to do, what to do? Who were they going to believe – an ordinary cop or the First Lady of Arkansas? Trembling, traumatized, I took a seat in coach for the rest of the flight.

When we deplaned in Miami, Hillary Clinton caught my eye, put a finger to her lips, then passed the finger over her throat in a cutting motion.

Believe me: I got the message.

LeBron James Endorses Clinton:
Murphy the Cat Picks Trump

By Jim Berlin

Thousands of basketball fans who didn’t know whether to vote for Hillary or Donald had the issue settled for them this week: NBA superstar LeBron James officially endorsed Mrs. Clinton because she “truly understands the struggles of an Akron child born into poverty.” Yes. He really said that.

While this is good news for Democrats, I have great news for Republicans: There are far more cat-lovers than basketball fans in America, and my cat, Murphy, has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president.

Murphy, who is easily as smart as LeBron and more politically astute, has communicated his choice through unmistakable body language. We watch all the news shows together, and whenever Hillary comes on the screen Murphy leaps from his perch and races to his litter box.

He then poops.

Contrast this to when Donald Trump appears on TV: Murphy purrs a fair rendition of the national anthem — then presses his cheek to the screen in a joyful

8013d59a7f33780b34877b8e552a8c66

display of affection and support. It is quite a moving thing to witness.

So…if you are one of America’s PHB’s (Pitiful Human Beings) who is swayed by how others vote – you have a hard choice: Do you go with LeBron James, who sure can dunk a basketball?

Or do you go with Murphy the Cat, who, as I said, is easily as smart as LeBron and surely more politically astute.

Make your choice, PHB’s: Poop…or purr.

Obama Is American-Born
But He’s Not Proud of It

By Jim Berlin

Hoping to bury Hillary’s charge that he was a force behind the birther movement, Donald Trump definitively stated Friday that President Obama was born in the United States. Period.

Where he was born has long been irrelevant. What’s vitally important is that he considers himself a child of the world first and an American a distant second.

This “globalist” philosophy (we are the world) makes for fun late-night arguments among bored intellectuals, but it makes for lousy presidents. America and every other country needs a leader who puts his nation first in every decision. Clearly, Obama has never done that.

Trump, so far, has not been accused of also saying the president hides a Muslim prayer rug beneath his bed – right next to his “I heart Kenya” bumper sticker. But the Muslim theory has more meat on the bone than the birther accusation.

If Obama is really a Christian he’s what’s known in the business as a “backslider.” He

images

rarely attends services, his family disdains Christmas presents, and he speaks more often and respectfully of Islam than that little movement started by a Nazarene carpenter.

If the early Christians had the same fire in their bellies as Barack, the religion would have died shortly after the death on the cross.

The president is energetically campaigning for Hillary (whom he dislikes) because she will preserve and build on his We-Are-The-World legacy.

If you like that legacy – Hillary’s your gal.

 

Why Did Romney Lose?
Mom, Dad, God and Santa.

By Jim Berlin

Ultra-liberal Elizabeth Warren, newly-elected in Massachusetts to the U.S. Senate, waxed poetic when attacking Mitt Romney’s assertion that “corporations are people.”

Not so, she said. People laugh, dance, cry, make babies, eat peanuts and defecate (I made the last two up), while corporations do none of these things.

But corporations, of course, are composed solely of people, people who do all those people things. They are not lifeless stacks of legal papers or the brick and mortar structures that house them as they toil. So, when measures are taken to encourage the growth and vitality of corporations and businesses in general, it is people who are being helped.

Liberals cannot make this intellectual leap. They demonize big business as enemies of the poor folks who are just trying to dance and laugh and get along.

Which brings us to the word “government.”

Half of Americans do not picture the federal government as people, but as some beneficent, super-intelligent entity that exists to guide and cushion their lives.

The government knows best. The government will take care of them.

google images

The government is a loving Mommy and Daddy who will give them things just because it loves them.

For them, for half of Americans now, people like Barack Obama and Elizabeth Warren and all their liberal colleagues are the human faces of that word government. They are Mommy and Daddy and Santa Claus and maybe even a bit of God all rolled into one.

It’s how the election was won.