When Michael Sam, the Missouri football star and future NFL player came out of the closet Sunday, everybody from the President to Michelle to Joe Biden raced to publicly praise him as a courageous and inspirational athlete.
I am also inspired by Michael Sam. I’m inspired to say he is a monumental pain in the ass.
I am further inspired to say that those praising him for purely-political reasons are also a monumental pain in the ass.
Gay-schmay, don’t care, yesterday’s headlines. As homosexuals themselves often say – and I’m inspired by the humor in it – “We’re gay, we’re here to stay, get used to it.”
I’m used to it. Life is short; you live yours, I’ll live mine. It’s all fair.
What I will never get used to are wildly egocentric gays like Michael Sam who think the whole world breathlessly revolves around their sexuality.
Being gay is old news, Michael. You are old news.
It’s no longer heterosexuals who are mired in the prejudices of the past. It’s the handful of gays like Mr. Sam who have been left behind and need to catch up.
Michael, listen closely: we have no interest in the object of your affections. Put the microphone down. Go tackle somebody.
Homeland Security’s warning that terrorists may attempt to board Russian-bound planes with explosives disguised as toothpaste could lead to an eventual ban on the product for all commercial travelers – even in checked luggage.
While that will add another level of inconvenience to flying, radical Islam’s research and development labs have reportedly created other plastic explosives that promise even more disruption…
“They’ve come up with a substance that closely resembles common earwax,” a Homeland Security official told me. “And if that weren’t bad enough, they may have another explosive that looks just like nose debris.”
“Buggers,” he said.
“But how much of that stuff could a terrorist pack into his ears or nose?” I asked.
“He wouldn’t need much,” the official said. “If he gets a window seat, and presses his big
Middle-Eastern ear or schnozzola hard against the glass – then detonates – it would be bye-bye birdie.”
“What can we do about this?” I asked.
“We’re currently training hundreds of TSA officers to look into everyone’s nostrils and ear canals,” he said. “It will slow the lines down a little, but if travelers just come to the airport 12 hours before their flights everything will run smoothly.”
When it comes to politicians my hope does not spring eternal. When Bill O’Reilly did his pre-Super Bowl interview with President Obama, it did not spring past the first 60 seconds.
Obama, nattily dressed in a tailored Teflon coat, easily danced and slip-slided through questions on Benghazi, IRS harassment of conservative groups and why the ever-earnest-yet-always-confused face of Kathleen Sebelius still leads the government assault on health care.
All we learned for sure from the interview is the chief executive believes that – if not for Fox News and people like O’Reilly – hardly anyone would be saying bad things about him. Unfortunately, he’s right.
But Teflon coats are nothing new in the White House closet. In fact, we have to go all the way back to Harry Truman in 1950 to find an instance of a president speaking truth straight from the gut…
After severely criticizing the professional singing voice of Truman’s daughter, Margaret, Washington Post music critic Paul Hume received a letter from Harry: If we ever meet, Truman promised, “you’ll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for your black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below!”
But here’s the really telling part of that story: Truman showed the letter to his aides before sending it, and to a man they warned him itwould be a PR disaster. “You don’t know human nature,” he said.
When the music critic published the letter (fully expecting an avalanche of public sympathy), 80 percent of Americans stood up and cheered for Harry. Threatening to kick a guy’s ass for messing with your kid? That was just fine with The Greatest Generation.
But that was a different time, a different president. Before Teflon. When hope sprang eternal.
While it’s a bad idea to lie anytime, it is especially egregious to practice deceit on a God-related issue. Yet, in a survey of football fans by the Public Religious Research Institute, 67 percent of respondents denied ever asking God to help their team win.
Liar, liar, sports jersey on fire!
As cameras pan the crowd during critical moments of this Sunday’s Super Bowl, you will see those smoking jerseys everywhere as fans clasp their hands, shut their eyes and move their lips in frenzied supplication for heavenly intervention.
We’ve all done it at one time or another – and we’re all wasting our time.
As a matter of policy, God refuses to involve himself in determining winners and losers – not just in football – but any sporting event. It is, for God, a conflict of interest…of biblical proportions.
Let me explain: Jesus says it right there in the Book of Matthew…if one of his followers has faith, even as small as a mustard seed, he can
tell a mountain to move and it will. Faith, literally, can move mountains.
The problem for God is that there are fervently-praying fans on both sides of the stadium – some with faith the size of a watermelon – and they’re praying for opposite teams to take home the trophy.
God has only one way out of this philosophical mess: Don’t get involved. Period.
So save your breath and save your prayers. On Super Bowl Sunday, God is just another fan.