By Jim Berlin
(1) As a follower of The Man who used one of his final breaths to forgive those who crucified Him, it would be the Christian thing to do. I would submit, however, that we will never know how Jesus might have reacted if sheer Roman laziness and cost-cutting had led to His Visa card being compromised.
Would He have forgiven that, too? I think not.
(2) Target sells Planters salted peanuts significantly cheaper than any other retailer. Indeed, so cheaply they had become a daily staple in my diet rather than an occasional luxury.
I like salted peanuts; nay, salted peanuts are my heroin and crack cocaine in a can. In fact, if I arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter were to say, “Oh, by the way, we don’t serve salted peanuts here,” – the following conversation would ensue:
“Excuse me, Brother Peter…did you just say there are no salted peanuts in heaven?”
“It’s a health issue, son. But our endless salad bar and eternal sushi-on-a-stick are to die for. And of course, we have Hamburger Friday.”
“But no peanuts!?”
“If you want peanuts, son, I understand they’re all-you-can-eat in hell. But, ha-ha, who would go to hell just for salted peanuts?”
“Where’s the damned elevator?”
“The elevators here only go down, son.”
“I repeat…Where’s the damned elevator?”
I cannot bring myself to forgive Target. Not yet. But I’m getting weaker…