By Jim Berlin
Harvard acquired not just a female professor, but a Native American female professor. “Our only regret,” confided a member of the administration, “was that Elizabeth wasn’t gay. Imagine it: our very own female Native American lesbian law professor. Talk about the Harvard holy grail!”
The problem with Warren is she may be a member of the infamous Wannabee tribe, the only band known to have captured, domesticated and successfully milked the unicorn.
I suggest this because the Senate hopeful’s claim to Indian ancestry is based solely on personal “family lore” that her great-great-great grandmother was a Cherokee. Even if true – and the New England Genealogical Association found no supporting evidence – Warren would be just one-thirty-second Native American.
One-thirty-second. Yet it is enough for her to say that if elected to Ted Kennedy’s old seat, she would be the first U.S. senator in history with “Native American heritage.”
One-thirty-second. Yet she would have us picture her awash in The Old Ways, scraping buffalo hides with a sharp stone, padding cat-like through the forest in deerskin moccasins, dancing gracefully about the campfire to the beat of Cherokee drums.
There is also the question of what happened to the other 97 percent of Elizabeth Warren, her western European heritage — English, Scotch, Dutch – that makes her look so typically Caucasian.
How white is she? If Warren were to pose with President Obama in front of his residence, we would wonder why he is standing next to an empty dress floating in midair.
The Warren Cherokee controversy struck me as a simple arithmetic problem. So to resolve it I contacted a renowned member of the Harvard School of Mathematics, Dr. Algo Rhythm.
“Doctor,” I began…
“Please, call me Algo,” Rhythm said.
“Algo, let’s suppose I have total assets of $31,250, and maybe I do and maybe I don’t. Can I call myself a millionaire?”
The professor punched the numbers into a calculator. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but $31,250 is only one-thirty-second of a million dollars. You cannot call yourself a millionaire.”
“But millionaires are cool and I really want to call myself one,” I pleaded.
“See the people at our Law School,” he said. “They’re pretty loose with numbers over there.”
Elizabeth Warren milked the unicorn, and she carried a cup of the magical liquid to Harvard Law School, and they drank eagerly from it, and they called it good.
Now she is offering the stuff to Massachusetts voters, and ultimately the U.S. Senate.
Just what America needs right now: more unicorn milk.