Hillary Disputes CNN Poll:
“I Am Not a Horse’s Ass!”

 By Jim Berlin

In one of her rare press conferences Friday, Hillary Clinton snippily told reporters something they’d never heard before: When called upon they would be “entitled to only one question.” Not two, not three, and certainly no follow-ups.

In a related matter, 99.5 percent of respondents to a national poll released Thursday said they considered Hillary “a total horse’s ass.” The CNN poll posed the following question:

“Do you think Hillary Clinton is (a) a total horse’s ass, (b) kind of a horse’s ass, or (c) obnoxious, but not quite a horse’s ass?

CNN information director Joe Metuzzio said 38 percent of those polled actually identified themselves as Hillary-supporters.

“What they told us,” Metuzzio said, was “Yes, she is a total horse’s ass, but she is our horse’s ass.”

Former president Bill Clinton, located in a different time zone and hundreds of miles away from his wife, quickly came to her defense: “I can assure you,” he said, “when Hillary and I hung out together in the late 90s she was not a total horse’s ass. But I can

also assure you, I have not had sexual relations with that woman.”

When informed of the CNN poll, a visibly angry Mrs. Clinton told journalists she would entitle a single reporter to ask her a single question about the subject at her next press conference.

“We’ll just see who’s the horse’s ass!” she shouted, her face reddening and spittle forming on her lips. “You lousy bunch of punks!”

 

 

 

New Uncle Sam Ad Campaign:
Mexico is Magical, Amigo!

 By Jim Berlin 

They ridiculed Mitt Romney when he said many illegal Mexican immigrants would agree to “self deportation,” but that idea is actually more realistic than Donald Trump’s plan to round up all 12 million souls and send them packing.

The truth is, many illegals are lonely, jobless and weary of worrying about getting scooped up. Given the right government ad campaign, millions of Mexicans might well be convinced to go back where they came from.

For starters, here are four good arguments for self-deportation…

1) In Mexico everyone talks your language, amigo, so you’re going to feel muy contento. No more of those single-language gringos looking at you funny and saying, “You speakee the English, Pedro?”

2) If you love Mexican food – and why wouldn’t you? – the most authentic Mexican food is generally found right in Mexico itself. Taco Bell, Schmocko Bell. Go home and chow down on the tacos your madre used to make.

3) If you love mariachi music – and why wouldn’t you? – no country does mariachi like Mexico. When those dudes in the

silver-studded charro suits and broad-brimmed sombreros start rockin’ their guitars, trumpets and violins, you’ll be screaming “Viva Mexico!” and “Oi, Oi, Oi!”

4) You are already a bona fide citizen of Mexico, so how cool is that? No “going to the back of the line” for U.S. citizenship, no threat of sudden deportation, no looking over your shoulder for the Border Patrol and ICE agents and crazy rednecks with shotguns.

When you’re in Mexico, you are casa sweet casa, baby! And like Dorothy said, there’s no place like it.

 

PC: How Something So Correct
Could Go So Horribly Wrong

 By Jim Berlin

In its infancy political correctness (PC) was a benevolent object of interest, a mid-20th century anomaly kept under glass that rational beings could file past and point at and sometimes chuckle over.

PC thrived because it first sprouted on righteous and fertile ground – a move to eradicate the admittedly-offensive term “colored people.” The colored became Negroes – fair enough – but then it was Blacks, and after that the ever-awkward African-Americans.

Our brown brethren from south of the border also underwent a PC makeover, magically evolving from Mexicans to Mexican-Americans to chichanos to hispanics to the current lyrical favorite – Latinos and Latinas. La-dee-da.

Political correctness in the beginning was mostly word-play with little substance or consequence, but then it took a damaging turn: Stupidity became a protected class…and stupidity has run rampant:

A child gets expelled for simply drawing a picture of a gun; every kid on every team from first place to last gets a trophy; illegal aliens are only undocumented – like they simply forgot to stop at the document store after swimming the Rio Grande or scaling a fence near San Diego. Silly them.

The list goes on: Sanctuary cities that spit on American sovereignty, vaginas marrying vaginas, penises marrying penises – nothing is ever out of order in the land of the PC king.

But there are millions of us, a majority I suspect, who see the PC king for the B.S. artist he really is. And because we do, the one candidate who also disdains it – Donald Trump – has been given a temporary seat at the head of the table.

That is the only reason this world-class inarticulate buffoon is taken seriously.

 

Get Me and My Pistol
To the Church on Time

 By Jim Berlin 

The pastor of my church – who knew I’d been a cop – flagged me over after the Sunday service, then leaned in and lowered his voice: “Are you packing?” he asked.

He wasn’t asking if I was filling my suitcase with T-shirts and tighty whities for a trip. He wanted to know if I had a gun on me, hidden in a pocket or ankle holster or tucked in the waistband under my shirt.

“Yes,” I said.

“Good,” the preacher replied. “I know three or four others who carry, and we should have a meeting so we can coordinate.”

That happened a couple of weeks after nine black members of a South Carolina church were killed by a white psycho, but leaders of Christian churches were concerned for their congregations long before that.

“I was at a big meeting of pastors some time ago,” the preacher told me, “and with everything that’s going on, everybody is taking security precautions.”

“Everything that’s going on” isn’t the occasional racist psycho, but the Islamic terrorists constantly being urged to kill Christians wherever they can be found. And what better place to find them than at a Sunday service?

Some of the smaller Christian churches – who can least afford it – are using money from the collection plate to hire security.

Ironically, the pastors’ counterpart in Islam – the Imams who run the mosques – have no security concerns whatsoever. The religion of peace doesn’t have to spend a dime to protect itself from Christianity.

Wouldn’t it be a grand gesture if the Imams used some of their wealth to help the Christian pastors defray the cost of protecting themselves from Islam?

That would go a long way toward convincing Christians that Muslims actually give a damn.

 

Page 9 of 71« First...7891011...203040...Last »