Hillary Can Run…
But She Can’t Hide

By Jim Berlin

Since announcing her presidential candidacy April 12th (not in person, but with a slick video), Hillary Clinton has avoided the press like a bank robber running from the law. She has refused to answer any question about anything.

Her silence on national issues and personal controversies doesn’t bother those referred to as “low-information voters” (dummies). Most low-information voters live on the public udder, the milk pumped into their little birdie mouths by Democrats in exchange for loyalty on election day.

And loyal they are. If a video were to surface showing Mrs. Clinton choking a little dog to death with one hand while slapping an infant silly with the other – all the while screaming “I hate puppies and babies and hope they all die!” – the dummies would still vote for Hillary.

And so will Democrats with brain cells similar to those entombed in the skull of Nancy Pelosi. Just as she told her colleagues they would have to pass Obamacare to find out what’s in it, they will vote for Hillary just to find out what’s inside her head.

Unfortunately for candidate Clinton, Republicans, independents and Democrats who are neither dummies or Pelosi-brained

are going to require Hillary to actually answer questions sooner or later.

Even The New York Times, which has carried the Clintons’ water like a Bedouin camel for 25 years, has begun satirizing her for acting like a surly teenage girl pouting in her bedroom.

You can run, Hillary, but if you want to be president of these United States…you can’t hide.


Obama Chewed Gum in China
But Did Not Belch Or Pass Gas

 By Jim Berlin 

White House aides leapt to President Obama’s defense after Chinese media expressed anger over his incessant gum-chewing during the economic summit in Beijing.

The Chinese were particularly offended when America’s chief representative kept chomping away while conversing with some of their top leaders.

“It’s a little known fact that among Harvard Law School graduates, gum-chewing in public is de rigueur,” an Obama staffer told me. “And to chew while speaking with someone is considered a sign of respect for that person.”

“I did not know that,” I said.

“Apparently, neither did the Chinks,” he laughed.

“Chinks? Isn’t that a derogatory term?” I asked.

“Again, it’s a little known fact that Harvard Law School grads always refer to the Chinese as Chinks. It’s also a sign of respect.”

“Gee,” I asked, “what other respectful stuff do Harvard Law graduates do?”

“Well, belching and passing gas in the company of others is real big,” he said. “And if you can do either one with style, it’s really, really respectful.”

“With style?”

“Oh, sure. For example, Mr. Obama can belch the phrase ‘I love beer.’ And if he eats a big bowl of beans beforehand, he’s been known to toot a rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’ that’s positively moving.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing he didn’t do that in China,” I offered.

“Yeah. Like I said, the Chinks just don’t understand respect.”

No U.S. Military Aid for Iraq: Obama May Send Goats Instead

By Jim Berlin 

Shiite Muslims, Sunni Muslims, wild-eyed bearded men with ridiculous unpronounceable names – it’s all too much for Americans to understand.

What we do know is that despite years of training by U.S. troops and outnumbering al-Qaeda insurgents 10 to one, Iraqi soldiers are dropping their weapons like a hot pork sandwich and running home to their villages with a single burning question on their lips:

“Where’s my goat herd, dude?”

The al-Qaeda crazies threatening to conquer Iraq are not dropping their weapons because they believe their Sunni Muslim god is better than the Shiite Muslim god, and both gods are a damn-side better than the Christian god. They’ll get to us next.

But like the Iraqi soldiers, the insurgents have one love, one passion, that supersedes all of their murderous religious fanaticism: herding goats.

As one expert on Middle-Eastern men put it: “No matter what he may be doing – making love, eating, engaged in combat – he will drop everything if he sees more than one goat

standing unattended in a field. His DNA demands that he immediately herd the goats into a single unit and watch over them.”

And therein lies the solution to preventing the most radical Muslims in Iraq from conquering the just-a-little-less radical Muslims in Iraq. Instead of military intervention, President Obama must launch a massive airlift of goats, dropping thousands of the animals by parachute wherever the war is raging.

Soldiers from both sides will immediately throw down their arms and go back to being the one and only thing God put them on Earth to be: goat herders.

Wife Said I Could Keep My
Health Plant. My Wife Lied.

By Jim Berlin

My wife has over 50 plants arranged artistically about the yard, some with Latin names so complex not even one of the Caesars could get his tongue around them.

I had one plant: a miniature cholla cactus six inches high. It made me feel so good when I looked at it, I called it “my health plant.” Now it was gone.

“Where is my health plant?” I demanded.

“I threw it out, you old fool,” she gently replied. “It wasn’t up to my standards.”

“But you said, over and over, ‘If you like your health plant, you can keep your health plant. Period.’”

“It was diseased,” she said, kicking me in the groin. “I will replace it with a new and better plant. You will clap and leap for joy, knowing that your wife knows more about plants than you could ever imagine.”

“But you said, 23 times, ‘If you like your plant, you can keep your plant.’ There was no ambiguity, no room for error. You have deceived me, woman.”

“I think what I said,” she replied, striking me with a closed fist in my Adam’s apple, “was that you could keep your health plant if it did not change. It changed from good to bad.”

“You mentioned nothing about it changing,” I insisted, dialing 9-1-1 and pleading for medical assistance. “You said, ‘If you like your health plant, you can keep your health plant.’ I will

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never believe you again.”

“I have over 50 plants,” she said. “Pick any one you like and it will be yours. C’mon, pick one! Pick one now or I’ll kick you in the groin again and again!”

She lied. And now my health plant is gone. I just feel so damn…unhealthy.