Obama to ABC’s Jon Karl:
“Why Are You So Mean?”

By Jim Berlin 

When ABC’s Jonathan Karl asked Mr. Obama on Monday whether Mitt Romney had been right in their 2012 debate when he said Russia was America’s main geopolitical foe (Obama mocked him for it), it marked the second time the reporter has annoyed the president with a tough question.

The first was back in September when Karl pressed and irritated Obama for not carrying through on his promise to punish Syria if it used chemical weapons. The president, who only expects hard questions from Fox News, approached the reporter after Monday’s news conference and Karl claims the following conversation occurred:

Jon, why have you been such a meanie lately? Why can’t you be more like Diane and George?”

“Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopoulos?”

“Yes. George always asks how our dog Bo is doing. You never ask me about Bo, Jon. Don’t you like my precious little dog?”

“I just figured he was okay, Mr. President.”

“And Diane, she can’t get enough news about my wonderful daughters Sasha and Malia and my wonderful wife Michelle. Have you got something against my wonderful kids and the

wonderful way Michelle and I are raising them…wonderfully speaking? And when’s the last time you mentioned my dazzling smile? Everyone but everyone talks about my smile – but not you Jon. What the hell is the matter with you anyway?”

“I’m just trying to be an actual news reporter, Mr. President.”

“Well, just think about this, Mr. Fancy Pants News Reporter! George and Diane are news anchors, not lousy news reporters. You know why, Jon? I’ll tell you why: Because they love my dazzling smile and my wonderful dog and my wonderful wife and kids. Think about that before you open your yap at the next press conference!”

Why the Ukrainian Army
Won’t Fight the Russians

 By Jim Berlin

The Ukrainian army and police have yet to raise a finger or fire a single shot in defense of their country against the Russian invaders, and I may know the reason why.

Flashback to the Serb Republic, Bosnia, a Monday morning in ’98. I awake to frantic pounding on the farmhouse door and there stands Sergei, my 23-year-old Ukrainian patrol partner. His eyes are red, uniform disheveled, a weekend’s growth of beard. He is frantic.

“Do you have wodka?” He asks.

“Have what?”

“Wodka, damn it! I’m out of wodka.”

“No, I don’t drink vodka.”

“They sell wodka at the Czech fort,” Sergei says. “I have a map. You drive, okay?”

I patiently explain to Sergei that the Czech fort is 70 kilometers away, most of it over bad road, some of it through unfriendly neighborhoods.

“I’m out of wodka,” he says. The discussion is over.

Two hours later I find the front gate of the Czech compound and pull to the side as several armored vehicles leave the fort. Sergei rushes into the soldiers’ PX and returns minutes later with three liters of vodka. He is cracking one of the bottles as he walks.

I start the UN truck, but Sergei has second thoughts and tells me to wait. He races back into the fort and returns with two more liters of his life’s blood. He is all smiles…

Now we go on patrol,” he says.

What Was Really Said During
Obama-Putin Phone Conversation

 By Jim Berlin 

The White House claim that President Obama had a 90-minute phone conversation with Vladimir Putin over Russia’s invasion of Ukrainian territory strains credibility. Only two women with time on their hands could talk for 90 minutes.

Putin, especially, has never been known to string more than two sentences together before stripping off his shirt and riding away on a horse. Obama is more long-winded, but often becomes tongue-tied in the presence of people who do not adore him.

There was no 90-minute phone conversation. There was a 20-second exchange that reportedly went something like this:

Obama: “I want you to know, Vlad, I consider your takeover of Crimea as a serious threat to peace in eastern Europe and a grave violation of Ukrainian sovereignty.”

Putin: “Okay.”

Obama: “Well, all right, then! I have also convened a committee of really smart people in suits to study the problem very, very, very closely.”

Putin (cupping the phone and shouting): “Is he saddled yet?”

Obama: “I’m also sending Secretary Kerry to Kiev, and he, too, is gravely concerned and will be watching the situation very closely.”

Putin: “Pretty Boy is coming to Ukraine?”

Obama: “Yes, Vlad, and he is bringing his hair and his distinguished statesman’s voice and he will be saying really important stuff about how naughty you are.”

(Sound of horse riding away.)

Obama: Vladimir? Vladimir…are you still there?