Shooting of Missouri Teen
Is Not a Lesson In Racism

 By Jim Berlin 

People who desperately want racism to be rampant in America say the shooting of 18-year-old Michael Brown by a white cop in Ferguson, Missouri is all the evidence required.

Who are these people who revel in racism and what motivates them?

For guys like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who almost ran out of their shoes trying to beat one another to the scene, it’s a matter of professional survival. Their sole source of income and celebrity is dependent on keeping the home fires burning.

Then we have that minor segment of Blacks who, in the words of my mother, “don’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.” Unwilling to blame themselves for their lack of success, it is only Whitey and his hate that’s keeping them down.

Next we have the I-love-everybody liberals, always hell-bent on staking out a position of moral superiority. Because superiority requires them to believe they are a precious few in number, the rest of us must be filled with spiteful intentions.

President Obama also made his contribution to the racism story by ordering 40 FBI agents and Attorney General Eric Holder to Missouri. Holder, who keeps several decks of race cards on his person at all times, flips them out faster than a Vegas blackjack dealer.

The implication of his presence, of course, is that justice cannot be served without the guiding hand of Big Brother to keep things honest.

There is racism in America, to be sure, but it’s only a problem – not a crisis.

Veterinarians Will Carry Out
Future Capital Punishments

By Jim Berlin

Reacting to a public outcry over another botched execution of a death row inmate, Attorney General Eric Holder has ordered the American Veterinarian Medical Association (AVMA) to carry out all future executions.

On Tuesday an Oklahoma prisoner, Clayton Lockett, regained consciousness after being “lethally injected,” then survived another 40 minutes before dying of a heart attack.

“Veterinarians humanely put down thousands of animals every day without a hitch,” Holder said. “They are obviously more qualified than traditional doctors when it comes to euthanasia.”

Dr. Shelby Cowpie, president of the AVMA, readily agreed: “Medical doctors are a bunch of prima donnas,” he said. “Hell, our vets routinely put down cows and horses weighing one to two thousand pounds and they go out like a light. Bada-bing, bada-boom! Good night, Mister Bull!”

When asked if veterinarians might have a problem terminating human beings, Dr. Cowpie said the question is already being addressed:

“The props department at Disneyland has

graciously offered to provide animal costumes which a condemned inmate can wear at his execution,” he said. “The prisoner can dress, for example, as a large duck, a mouse, a bear, whatever. The prisoner is happy, and the vet can pretend he’s just putting down one of God’s lesser creatures. Everybody wins.”

A Texas death row inmate of Middle-Eastern origin, Ikill Ferfun, said he is all in favor of “getting the needle” from a vet rather than a regular doctor.

“I especially like the costume option, and I hope it isn’t limited to Disney characters,” Ferfun told a reporter. “I’m kind of a whimsical guy, and I think it would be fun to go out as Big Bird.”