Democrats who fear Hillary Clinton will have her baggy blue panties handed to her by voters if she is the nominee are begging Joe Biden to throw his hat in the ring.
As a candidate, Joe has one great asset and one great liability.
The asset: He’s the kind of guy you want on the next barstool or at the family BBQ or helping chaperone your kid’s birthday party.
He is the kind of guy who – if he showed up at your front door at midnight and asked to use your bathroom for a few hours because he had “the mother of all diarrhea” – you would say, “Sure, Joe. My house is your house. Cigar?”
The liability: Proper illumination in the Oval Office calls for a 100-watt bulb and Joe is, at best, a 60-watt. He might cast a warm, soft glow over the room, but he’ll never really light it up to America’s satisfaction.
Granted, just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you’re wise. But you can’t be wise without first being smart. And if Joe is smart, he is a master of disguise.
This isn’t to say that Biden – or any other well-meaning honest person — can’t win the democratic nomination and even the election. Barack Obama’s one true legacy is that he makes almost everyone else look better by comparison.
Since announcing her presidential candidacy April 12th (not in person, but with a slick video), Hillary Clinton has avoided the press like a bank robber running from the law. She has refused to answer any question about anything.
Her silence on national issues and personal controversies doesn’t bother those referred to as “low-information voters” (dummies). Most low-information voters live on the public udder, the milk pumped into their little birdie mouths by Democrats in exchange for loyalty on election day.
And loyal they are. If a video were to surface showing Mrs. Clinton choking a little dog to death with one hand while slapping an infant silly with the other – all the while screaming “I hate puppies and babies and hope they all die!” – the dummies would still vote for Hillary.
And so will Democrats with brain cells similar to those entombed in the skull of Nancy Pelosi. Just as she told her colleagues they would have to pass Obamacare to find out what’s in it, they will vote for Hillary just to find out what’s inside her head.
Unfortunately for candidate Clinton, Republicans, independents and Democrats who are neither dummies or Pelosi-brained
are going to require Hillary to actually answer questions sooner or later.
Even The New York Times, which has carried the Clintons’ water like a Bedouin camel for 25 years, has begun satirizing her for acting like a surly teenage girl pouting in her bedroom.
You can run, Hillary, but if you want to be president of these United States…you can’t hide.
So now it turns out that from 2009 to 2013, foreign governments and companies seeking favors from our State Department (Hillary ran that) gave hundreds of millions to the Clinton Foundation (Bill ran that).
Among all the favors was a deal orchestrated by Bill, and signed off on by Hill, that gave Russia control of the world supply of uranium – including 50 percent of America’s uranium production. (That’s a national security issue, of course, but not to worry…the Clinton Foundation and Vladimir Putin have our backs.)
But just what is the Clinton Foundation? Joe Metuzzio, a plumber recently hired to install 24-carat gold fixtures throughout Bill and Hillary’s mansion in New York state, may have provided a clue.
“I had to take one of the elevators down to the basement of the mansion,” Metuzzio told a reporter.
“Joe,” the reporter asked, “by the basement you mean under the foundation of the house?”
“Yeah, man, under the Clinton Foundation. So I get off the elevator under the Clinton Foundation, and there was this walk-in bank vault that covered maybe an acre. Biggest damn vault I ever saw.”
“Can you describe it to us, Joe?”
“Sure. Over the door, which was standing
open, was this giant brass sign that said ‘The Clinton Foundation.’ It had a huge smiley face on one side, and an oil painting of Mr. and Mrs. Clinton on the other. They were smiling like the smiley face – and both giving the finger.”
“And what was inside the vault, Mr. Metuzzio?”
“Stacks of hundred dollar bills,” the plumber said. “From floor to ceiling as far as the eye could see. There were gold bricks, too…more than I could count. This Clinton Foundation thing…just what does it do with all that money and gold?” Metuzzio asked.
“What any foundation does, Joe,” the reporter said. “The Clinton Foundation holds up the Clinton house.”
Since the Democratic Party thrives on selling the Blue Collar Narrative – “We’re all about income equality and helping out the po’ folks” – Democratic politicians squirm like worms on a hook when they‘re outed as filthy rich.
So when Hillary Clinton was asked by Diane Sawyer this week about all the cash she and Bill have raked in since leaving the White House (over $120 million in speaking fees alone), Hillary went for the rags-to-riches defense:
She and Bill were “dead broke and in debt” when his terms were up, she said, but thanks to hard work and an undying belief in the American dream, they were able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, etcetera, etcetera. (I made up the bootstraps, but that’s what she was shooting for.)
Now, “dead broke” means different things to different people. My first reaction was an image of Hillary and Bill living under a bridge somewhere in D.C., warming themselves over a newspaper campfire, rocking a hungry and weeping Chelsea to sleep with mournful lullabies.
“Don’t you worry, child,” Hillary coos, “your
daddy’s gonna buy an old Chevy tomorrow and go lookin’ for work.”
They slept then, these brave blue collar patriots, huddled in love beneath a single blanket stolen from the Lincoln bedroom.
Gosh, I’m so naïve. Turns out that during this dreadful period of “being broke,” Bill and Hillary bought two mansions worth over $5 million and never missed a lobster dinner. Worse, the Clintons now have three times the reported net worth of Republican George W. Bush, he of the “rich man’s party.”