Obama Chewed Gum in China
But Did Not Belch Or Pass Gas

 By Jim Berlin 

White House aides leapt to President Obama’s defense after Chinese media expressed anger over his incessant gum-chewing during the economic summit in Beijing.

The Chinese were particularly offended when America’s chief representative kept chomping away while conversing with some of their top leaders.

“It’s a little known fact that among Harvard Law School graduates, gum-chewing in public is de rigueur,” an Obama staffer told me. “And to chew while speaking with someone is considered a sign of respect for that person.”

“I did not know that,” I said.

“Apparently, neither did the Chinks,” he laughed.

“Chinks? Isn’t that a derogatory term?” I asked.

“Again, it’s a little known fact that Harvard Law School grads always refer to the Chinese as Chinks. It’s also a sign of respect.”

“Gee,” I asked, “what other respectful stuff do Harvard Law graduates do?”

“Well, belching and passing gas in the company of others is real big,” he said. “And if you can do either one with style, it’s really, really respectful.”

“With style?”

“Oh, sure. For example, Mr. Obama can belch the phrase ‘I love beer.’ And if he eats a big bowl of beans beforehand, he’s been known to toot a rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’ that’s positively moving.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing he didn’t do that in China,” I offered.

“Yeah. Like I said, the Chinks just don’t understand respect.”

Cats Angry at Fellow Feline
for Saving Boy Attacked by Dog

 By Jim Berlin 

Cats across the country are angry over the viral video of Tara, the California tabby that attacked and drove off a vicious dog that was mauling the family’s 4-year-old boy.

“Don’t get me wrong, not that I care,” said Murphy, the Persian cat that allows me to live with him. “We’re glad Tara saved the kid. They pick us up by our tails and tie bonnets on our heads, but that doesn’t mean we want them eaten by some stupid dog. We just wish it hadn’t been caught on tape.”

“But this is the best PR cats have gotten in years,” I protested. “A dog intent on murder – a cat risking its life to protect a little boy.”

“And what kind of message does that send?” Murphy hissed. “Next, people will be wanting us to play fetch, roll over, shake hands and meow real loud when the house catches on fire

at night. Let me tell you something, pal: If the house is on fire, you’re on your own. Murphy’s headin’ for the exit.”

“You can’t fool me,” I said. “You’re mad because Tara let the cat out of the bag. In your heart of hearts, you guys actually love us humans.”

“Shut up and get me a treat,” Murphy said.