Pope’s Next Encyclical To Offer
Kinky Sex Tips for Catholics

 By Jim Berlin

Imagine yourself on a New Orleans balcony overlooking Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras. Now rear back and hurl a rock into that drunken wave of humanity below…

Whoever you hit with that rock will know as much about global warming as Pope Francis.

The difference is that Francis, spiritual head of 16 percent of the world’s inhabitants, just issued an encyclical (fancy-ass letter) blaming humans and their fossil fuels for global warming.

The pope’s condemnation of coal, oil and natural gas – the economic life’s blood of every advanced nation – has upset even some Catholics. As they point out, the church belief in papal infallibility only applies to pronouncements on faith and morals.

Global warming is neither of those, which means the pope’s opinion on the subject carries no more weight than that of our Mardi Gras drunk.

Still, the pontiff is to be admired for tackling any issue, religious or not, which he considers important to mankind. This week he called all Catholic manufacturers

of guns and weapons “hypocrites,” and is reportedly close to issuing another encyclical – this one intended to strengthen heterosexual marriages.

Vatican spokesman Rev. Joe Metuzzio said the title of the fancy-ass letter will be, “The Pope Francis Guide to Red-Hot Kinky Catholic Sex.”

“His Eminence has never personally experienced red-hot kinky sex,” Rev. Metuzzio said, “but years of hearing confessions have taught him all he needs to know.”

Is “Clinton Foundation” a Vault
In Bill & Hillary’s Basement?

 By Jim Berlin 

So now it turns out that from 2009 to 2013, foreign governments and companies seeking favors from our State Department (Hillary ran that) gave hundreds of millions to the Clinton Foundation (Bill ran that).

Among all the favors was a deal orchestrated by Bill, and signed off on by Hill, that gave Russia control of the world supply of uranium – including 50 percent of America’s uranium production. (That’s a national security issue, of course, but not to worry…the Clinton Foundation and Vladimir Putin have our backs.)

But just what is the Clinton Foundation? Joe Metuzzio, a plumber recently hired to install 24-carat gold fixtures throughout Bill and Hillary’s mansion in New York state, may have provided a clue.

“I had to take one of the elevators down to the basement of the mansion,” Metuzzio told a reporter.

“Joe,” the reporter asked, “by the basement you mean under the foundation of the house?”

“Yeah, man, under the Clinton Foundation. So I get off the elevator under the Clinton Foundation, and there was this walk-in bank vault that covered maybe an acre. Biggest damn vault I ever saw.”

“Can you describe it to us, Joe?”

“Sure. Over the door, which was standing

open, was this giant brass sign that said ‘The Clinton Foundation.’ It had a huge smiley face on one side, and an oil painting of Mr. and Mrs. Clinton on the other. They were smiling like the smiley face – and both giving the finger.”

“And what was inside the vault, Mr. Metuzzio?”

“Stacks of hundred dollar bills,” the plumber said. “From floor to ceiling as far as the eye could see. There were gold bricks, too…more than I could count. This Clinton Foundation thing…just what does it do with all that money and gold?” Metuzzio asked.

“What any foundation does, Joe,” the reporter said. “The Clinton Foundation holds up the Clinton house.”

“Wind Chill Factor” Invented
To Dramatize Winter Weather

 By Jim Berlin 

The term “wind chill factor” is an invention of TV meteorologists to add drama to their forecasts and enhance bragging rights for folks living in cold-weather climates.

Before wind chill factor, winter temperatures were straightforward reports quickly dispensed with. A nephew in Arizona would phone his Uncle George, a Michigan hog farmer, and ask the question that kicks off 97.3 percent of all long-distance telephone conversations:

“How’s the weather there, Uncle George?”

“Twenty-five degrees,” he would reply. “The hogs are just fine.” End of subject.

But now, armed with a phony and totally unscientific “wind chill factor,” Uncle George can hype his local weather as a life-and-death struggle of Arctic proportions…

“How the weather there, Uncle George?”

“Twenty five degrees,” he replies, voice breaking. “But the TV woman says we got a wind chill factor of 60 below zero.”

“Good Lord!”

“I know, right? Me and your Aunt Karen only got a few beans and coffee left, but there’s no driving to the store when it’s 60 below.”

“What about the hogs, Uncle George?”

“Don’t know. I’m afraid if I touch one of ‘em, he’ll break into a thousand pieces like a glass statue. This may be the end of us and the whole damn herd.”

“I’m going to hang up right now and start praying for you, Uncle George.”

“At 60 below, nephew, that’s all any of us can do.”

When To Say “Merry Christmas” In a Politically-Correct America

By Jim Berlin

Many Americans are confused as to how to wish season’s greetings this time of year, resulting in the generic and cowardly default expression, “Happy Holidays.” (Since the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah ended December 5th, what holidays are we talking about other than Christmas?)

In the simple old days – before a tiny vocal minority started demanding political correctness in all things under heaven – we just wished everybody a “Merry Christmas!” It seemed to work and cheered people up.

But let’s pretend for a moment we care about being PC, ignoring that polls show 80 percent of Americans are Christian, 2.2 percent are Jewish, and less than one percent are Muslim. (The remainder are atheists, or when asked to identify their religion responded, “Huh?”)

A Muslim woman can usually be identified by one of three fashion choices: the popular head scarf (hijab), the full “niqab” which only reveals frightened eyes peering through a slit, or the “Jim-Bob,” worn by southern redneck women who convert to Islam.

In all of these cases the safe greeting is “Merry Muhammad!” – always with an exclamation point. By all reports Muhammad was an engaging and happy individual, so this is an uplifting thing to say to Muslims and should be met with a warm smile.

Google images

Jewish people are harder to spot, but if you see a bearded man topped off with a skull-hugging cap called a yamaka, he is either Jewish or has no fashion sense whatsoever. In either case a “Happy Hanukkah” or even a “Merry Christmas” will suffice.

Jews are not uptight about being wished a Merry Christmas, and neither should anyone else who lives in this overwhelmingly-Christian nation.

Merry Christmas! Always with an exclamation point.