Is Biden Bright Enough
To Light the Oval Office?

 By Jim Berlin

Democrats who fear Hillary Clinton will have her baggy blue panties handed to her by voters if she is the nominee are begging Joe Biden to throw his hat in the ring.

As a candidate, Joe has one great asset and one great liability.

The asset: He’s the kind of guy you want on the next barstool or at the family BBQ or helping chaperone your kid’s birthday party.

He is the kind of guy who – if he showed up at your front door at midnight and asked to use your bathroom for a few hours because he had “the mother of all diarrhea” – you would say, “Sure, Joe. My house is your house. Cigar?”

The liability: Proper illumination in the Oval Office calls for a 100-watt bulb and Joe is, at best, a 60-watt. He might cast a warm, soft glow over the room, but he’ll never really light it up to America’s satisfaction.

Granted, just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you’re wise. But you can’t be wise without first being smart. And if Joe is smart, he is a master of disguise.

This isn’t to say that Biden – or any other well-meaning honest person — can’t win the democratic nomination and even the election. Barack Obama’s one true legacy is that he makes almost everyone else look better by comparison.

Even a 60-watt bulb in a 100-watt job.

Democratic Choice for 2016:
Either Hillary or The Circus

 By Jim Berlin

The Democrats should consider putting Hillary Clinton on mandatory bed rest until 2016, because if she is not their presidential candidate, here are the clowns waiting in the wings…

Clown Number One: Joe Biden.

The man is simply not bright enough to be president. If he were the night light in your tiniest bathroom you would trip over the toilet and fall into the tub.

Former Defense Secretary Bob Gates says the vice president has been wrong on every major foreign and national defense issue over the last 40 years. Joe even argued against the operation that killed Osama bin laden.

Clown Number Two: Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren.

Here’s all you need to know: On the sole strength of her improbable and non-verifiable claim to be one-thirty-second Cherokee, she sells herself as “the first Native American to serve in the U.S. Senate.”

One-thirty-second? You can become one-thirty-second Native American just by driving

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through a reservation. If you simply shake hands with an Indian you will collect enough of his DNA to become a one-thirty-second.

To Elizabeth Warren’s credit – and this is the only thing I can think of – she has yet to claim she was suckled by unicorns as an infant.

Clown Number Three: New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo. Last Friday, Cuomo said those who are pro-life or anti-gay or supporters of gun rights “have no place in the state of New York.” Presumably, they will be required to leave on the next train out.

Hillary or the clowns. It’s why Democrats desperately pray for her continued good health.

 

Why Joe Biden Believes
He Could be President

By Jim Berlin

There may be no wider gulf on Earth than the distance between our own self-image and how the rest of the world actually views us.

In its crudest form we see it at the Walmart when a woman of grotesque proportions dresses scantily in order to strut her stuff. As she waddles and wheezes past the other shoppers she confuses their giggles and groans for gasps of wonder and envy.

“They are in awe of my dynamite bod,” she thinks. “By gawd, I’ve still got it!”

Which brings us to Joe Biden. The vice president has made it clear in recent weeks he is seriously considering running for president in 2016. That’s president of the United States. Of America.

The human capacity for self-delusion increases exponentially when the human is a powerful politician. As a U.S. senator and now a second-term vice president, Biden has been treated with exaggerated deference wherever he goes.

The partisan applause is extended and enthusiastic, lame one-liners demand raucous laughter, weak jabs at the opposition are declared worthy of Thomas Paine.

And like the deluded Walmart lady, Joe thinks, “By gawd, they love me so. I could be president of these United States.”

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Dispassionate outsiders would tell Joe it simply isn’t so. While there is true affection for the man among political friends and enemies alike, there is also an intuitive certainty that he isn’t up to the task.

In short, Mr. Biden simply isn’t smart enough to be president. His is not the face we want out there in the world representing everything the country stands for.

But Joe will probably run. He will waddle and wheeze his scantily-clad brain down the aisle and strut his stuff. And when it’s over all too soon he’ll wonder what the heck went wrong.

There may be no wider gulf on Earth…

Paul Ryan Convention Speech
Convinces Obama: Joe Must Go

By Jim Berlin

Even Democrats conceded that Paul Ryan’s rousing speech at the Republican Convention Wednesday was proof he’ll be a formidable running mate with Mitt Romney.

So formidable, in fact, reports have surfaced that President Obama phoned Joe Biden only   minutes after Ryan ended his address: “Joe, you saw it, Ryan’s speech?”

“Oh, yeah. What a doofus, huh? I can’t wait to open up a can of old-fashioned Biden whup-ass when I debate him.”

“About that, Joe. How’s your health? Been feeling poorly lately?”

“Never felt effin better, sir. Did I tell you how I’m going to open up a can of old-fashioned…”

“I want you to know, Joe, I’ll understand if you have to withdraw from the race for, uh, personal reasons.”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying, Mr. President? Who could possibly debate Paul Ryan better than me?”

“I’m thinking Elmer Fudd, Joe. I got him on his cell during a late-night rabbit hunt

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and he’s agreed to join me on the ticket.”

“A rabbit hunt? Elmer Fudd?”

“Yes, he’s still after that wascally wabbit. But once you get past his bunny fixation he’s a very bright guy.”

“Elmer Fudd? You’re replacing me with Elmer Fudd?”

“It’s for the good of the party, Joe. He just gives us a better shot in the debate.”