Nebraska Study: Men Look at
Breasts Before Faces. So What?

By Jim Berlin

After fitting test subjects with eye-tracking systems and displaying photos of curvaceous females, a University of Nebraska sociology study proved men were initially more fixated on breasts than faces.

Marriage-minded women who are deflated over the size of their tata’s (that’s Hungarian for breasts) might use these test results to convince themselves to spend thousands on augmentation surgery. They should not.

While most heterosexual men will automatically rate a just-met woman on a sexual scale of one to fantasy, this is a fleeting evolutionary reflex. Any man worth having – and isn’t that what women want? – quickly kicks aside his primitive reaction and assesses her potential as a mate by asking himself some questions:

Is she fun to be with? Does her curiosity about the world extend beyond the cosmetic counter? Is she kind to people? Does he find her physically attractive (not do others find her attractive)…and again, is she fun to be with? In the end, a mate who is fun to be with year-after-year is what all of us search for more than anything else.

Women who enlarge their boobaronies (that’s Italian for breasts) to attract men who think

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large boobaronies are important, wonder why they keep winding up with losers. It is because these are men who are 16-years-old forever.

When Abe Lincoln was asked how long a man’s legs should be he replied, “Long enough to reach the ground.”

If Abe had been asked how large a woman’s breasts should be, I think he would have nailed that one too: “Large enough to hold her nipples.”

Sebelius Blames D.C. Pizzeria
For Obamacare Website Problems

By Jim Berlin

Reacting to polls showing a majority of Americans believe “someone should be fired” for the disastrous rollout of Obamacare, Health and Human Services (HHS) secretary Kathleen Sebelius has pointed the finger at a little-known pizza parlor in Washington, D.C.

Joe Metuzzio, owner of “Hairy Joe’s Hand-Tossed Pizza Pies,” has been told he can no longer sell or deliver his pizzas to the Hubert H. Humphrey Building, which houses the headquarters of HHS.

“Mamma mia, I’m devastated!” Metuzzio said, choking back tears as he twirled pizza dough over his head. “They said the quality of my pizzas went downhill, which ruined morale at Health and Human Services while they were working on the rollout.”

Metuzzio sold 50 to 100 pizzas daily to HHS staffers as they toiled 24/7 in the weeks leading up to the launch of Obamacare. “That was half my business,” he said. “And believe me, I put up with a lotta crap from them Democrats.”

Asked to explain, the owner said his policy is that a pizza is free if not delivered within 45 minutes after a customer places the order. “They’d keep my delivery boys waiting in the office lobby until the 45 minutes was up,” Metuzzio said, “then they’d demand I give it to them free. I never had Republicans pull that stuff on me.”

Sebelius’ Indian-born deputy secretary, Passa Dabuck, said she personally informed

Joe Metuzzio at work

Metuzzio he could no longer do business with HHS. “I told him, ‘Joe, when your pizza quality went to hell, so did our work on the website. You owe America a big fat Italian apology.’”

Metuzzio reacted angrily when informed of her remarks: “Passa Dabuck was just mad because I refused to put curry on her pizzas,” he said. “If you want Indian food, for godsake, don’t order a pizza from Hairy Joe!”

When asked to comment on the Metuzzio firing, Secretary Sebelius issued the following statement: “It wasn’t just a quality issue. Hairy Joe consistently took 46 minutes to deliver his pizzas, not the 45 minutes he promised. In this town, doing things on time is just as important as doing things right.”

 

We Have Obamacare…
Now How Do We Get To It?

By Jim Berlin

We all have our favorite “pie in the sky” fantasy. Mine is filet mignon at 50 cents a pound.

Unfortunately the journey the filet must take to the butcher’s display case requires the expenditure of so much effort and money by so many people that my pie shall remain forever untasted.

It’s called The Real World.

Barack Obama’s pie in the sky, which had him salivating even before he was president, is government-run national health care. It’s how health care is done in most Western European countries, and like many things European, Mr. Obama finds it superior to America’s private approach.

The downside to the European model is that its recipients pay an average of 45 percent in income taxes and nine bucks for a single gallon of gas. No matter. The President wanted his pie and now it is there for the taking.

But people in The Real World began to ask: How will we actually get to the pie in the sky?

“Why, with a wonderful magical ladder,” the

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President said. “And lo, I will put Kathleen Sebelius in charge of building it.”

The Real World was still puzzled. “What does she know about building a ladder? She has spent most of her adult life as a lobbyist and politician.”

“You only have to believe,” the President said. “If you believe with all your heart in the pie in the sky, and click your heels together real hard, the pie in the sky will be yours. Yum-yum!”

We only have to believe.

‘Just Move’ Stamps Cancelled:
“Be Army Safe” New Slogan

By Jim Berlin

A series of 15 stamps inspired by Michelle Obama’s “Just Move” campaign has been withdrawn by the Postal Service after the President’s Council on Fitness and the White House (i.e., the First Lady), said three of the stamps depicted dangerous activities.

Specifically, the inappropriate stamps showed a kid doing a cannonball into a pool, riding a skateboard without kneepads and performing a headstand without a helmet.

In a related matter, President Obama has ordered armed forces recruiters to determine if prospective recruits have engaged in these, or any other dangerous childhood activities.

“Mrs. Obama has convinced her husband we don’t want a bunch of yahoo cowboys fighting our future wars,” a White House spokesman said. “We want serious-minded, safety-first youngsters who took every precaution not to injure themselves while growing up.”

Beginning in January, a “yes” answer to any of the following questions will automatically disqualify applicants from enlisting in the military:

(1) Have you ever performed a cannonball, attempted or completed a headstand without a helmet, or ridden a bicycle while not wearing a mouth-guard, kneepads, elbow pads and a helmet – or ridden a bike with under-inflated tires, over-inflated tires, or tires without too little tread?

(2) Have you ever run, or even walked fast, with scissors in your hand after your mother told you not to?

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(3) Did a physical altercation between you and a brother or sister ever result in a bruise, scrape, scratch or bloody nose?

(4) Have you ever played any game in the street involving a ball?

(5) Have you ever recklessly participated in back-seat sex that resulted in leg cramps, hickeys, whisker-burn or laughing police officers tapping on the window with their flashlights?

“This is only a partial list of disqualifying questions,” the White House spokesman said. “Instead of Be Army Strong, we’re going with Be Army Safe. Michelle thinks parents will be more comfortable with that.”