Barack Changes Name to “Buck”:
Message to Putin:”I’m No Pussy”

By Jim Berlin

White House reporters were stunned Wednesday when press secretary Jay Carney said the president wishes to be identified as “Buck” Obama – not Barack – in all future news stories.

“Michelle and his closest friends have always called him Buck in private,” Carney said, “and the president just feels it’s a better fit.”

Washington insiders say the name change is a direct response to rumors that Russia’s Vladimir Putin often refers to Obama as “that little pussy.”

“That little pussy did nothing when I took Crimea,” he reportedly told aides, “and that little pussy will do nothing when I take eastern Ukraine.”

The perception of manliness is paramount in Russia and Putin likes to boast that he has “all the punches in my Man Card.”: former KGB agent, a black belt in judo and photos galore of him hunting dangerous game and firing a variety of weapons with easy familiarity.

Mr. Obama is a former community organizer, has several black belts by Ferragamo,

confessed to sometimes getting queasy while picking through steaks at a supermarket, and refers to a rifle barrel as “the skinny part where a bullet comes out of a hole.”

When asked later in the news conference why the president has rejected Ukraine’s pleas for weapons to fight the Russians, Carney claimed the issue is still under advisement.

“That was Barack who said No to giving them guns,” Carney said. “Buck Obama is going to hold meetings on the subject – many, many meetings – and really talk about it a lot.”

Obama to ABC’s Jon Karl:
“Why Are You So Mean?”

By Jim Berlin 

When ABC’s Jonathan Karl asked Mr. Obama on Monday whether Mitt Romney had been right in their 2012 debate when he said Russia was America’s main geopolitical foe (Obama mocked him for it), it marked the second time the reporter has annoyed the president with a tough question.

The first was back in September when Karl pressed and irritated Obama for not carrying through on his promise to punish Syria if it used chemical weapons. The president, who only expects hard questions from Fox News, approached the reporter after Monday’s news conference and Karl claims the following conversation occurred:

Jon, why have you been such a meanie lately? Why can’t you be more like Diane and George?”

“Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopoulos?”

“Yes. George always asks how our dog Bo is doing. You never ask me about Bo, Jon. Don’t you like my precious little dog?”

“I just figured he was okay, Mr. President.”

“And Diane, she can’t get enough news about my wonderful daughters Sasha and Malia and my wonderful wife Michelle. Have you got something against my wonderful kids and the

wonderful way Michelle and I are raising them…wonderfully speaking? And when’s the last time you mentioned my dazzling smile? Everyone but everyone talks about my smile – but not you Jon. What the hell is the matter with you anyway?”

“I’m just trying to be an actual news reporter, Mr. President.”

“Well, just think about this, Mr. Fancy Pants News Reporter! George and Diane are news anchors, not lousy news reporters. You know why, Jon? I’ll tell you why: Because they love my dazzling smile and my wonderful dog and my wonderful wife and kids. Think about that before you open your yap at the next press conference!”

‘Just Move’ Stamps Cancelled:
“Be Army Safe” New Slogan

By Jim Berlin

A series of 15 stamps inspired by Michelle Obama’s “Just Move” campaign has been withdrawn by the Postal Service after the President’s Council on Fitness and the White House (i.e., the First Lady), said three of the stamps depicted dangerous activities.

Specifically, the inappropriate stamps showed a kid doing a cannonball into a pool, riding a skateboard without kneepads and performing a headstand without a helmet.

In a related matter, President Obama has ordered armed forces recruiters to determine if prospective recruits have engaged in these, or any other dangerous childhood activities.

“Mrs. Obama has convinced her husband we don’t want a bunch of yahoo cowboys fighting our future wars,” a White House spokesman said. “We want serious-minded, safety-first youngsters who took every precaution not to injure themselves while growing up.”

Beginning in January, a “yes” answer to any of the following questions will automatically disqualify applicants from enlisting in the military:

(1) Have you ever performed a cannonball, attempted or completed a headstand without a helmet, or ridden a bicycle while not wearing a mouth-guard, kneepads, elbow pads and a helmet – or ridden a bike with under-inflated tires, over-inflated tires, or tires without too little tread?

(2) Have you ever run, or even walked fast, with scissors in your hand after your mother told you not to?

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(3) Did a physical altercation between you and a brother or sister ever result in a bruise, scrape, scratch or bloody nose?

(4) Have you ever played any game in the street involving a ball?

(5) Have you ever recklessly participated in back-seat sex that resulted in leg cramps, hickeys, whisker-burn or laughing police officers tapping on the window with their flashlights?

“This is only a partial list of disqualifying questions,” the White House spokesman said. “Instead of Be Army Strong, we’re going with Be Army Safe. Michelle thinks parents will be more comfortable with that.”

White House Tours Cancelled:
People’s House Now Obama’s

By Jim Berlin

In a political stunt so transparent and childish even the mainstream media wonders how it can spin it in his favor, Mr. Obama has announced Americans will no longer be allowed to tour the White House when they visit the nation’s capital.

Starting this weekend and until further notice, tours have been cancelled because of “staffing reductions due to sequestration.”

“The People’s House,” as Michelle Obama recently called it, is now The President’s House. Period.

Obama currently has a single political goal in his life, and it centers on the 2014 election: Retain a Democratic majority in the Senate and win back the House of Representatives. Do that, and during his last two years in office there will be no hand to stay him from transforming America into the America of his dreams.

And what America is that? It is one in which the federal government controls every important facet of corporate and private life, because we the people are not capable of doing it on our own.

To accomplish this goal the President will demonize and blame the opposition party – Republicans – for every bad thing that happens from here until 2014:

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Hurricanes because they dispute global warming, gas prices because they didn’t embrace electric cars on a grand scale, unemployment because they won’t raise taxes and keep raising them – and canceling White House tours because they won’t cave in on sequestration.

If Obama can find a way to blame Republicans for the death of your family pet during the next two years, he will do it.

The People’s House is no longer open to the people. One would hope even people like Brian Williams and George Stephanopoulos and David Gregory might begin to smell a rat.