Redskins Agree to Change Name:
New Logo Will Honor Black Men

By Jim Berlin 

Tired of what he calls “false accusations of racial insensitivity,” Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced today he will change the team’s name to one that “should be popular with players and fans alike.

“It’s time to honor the fact that over 70 percent of NFL players are Negroes,” Snyder told reporters, “which is simply a result of natural selection and their jungle roots. The guys who survived and passed along their genes were the guys who could outrun lions and tigers.”

The team’s new name, Snyder said, will be The Washington Colored Guys.

“This whole Redskins controversy has just become too much of a distraction,” the team owner lamented. “We want to get back to the business of playing football.”

Snyder said he has already assigned artists to work on a new logo reflecting the spirit of The Washington Colored Guys.

“I told them I want something simple yet powerful,” he said. “I’m personally leaning toward a really muscular Negro guy carrying a spear in a threatening manner. And here’s the

ingenious part: The words ‘colored guys’ would be etched on this really huge bone through his nose.”

When asked if he had tested the new name through focus groups, Snyder said he considered that unnecessary. “I have a good instinct for these things,” he smiled. “Some of my best friends are colored guys, and I know they are going to be thrilled to finally get the recognition they deserve.

“I mean, really, how many Indians are playing pro football? I should have changed our name to The Washington Colored Guys years ago. It would have saved me a whole lot of aggravation.”

 

If Soccer’s The Beautiful Game,
How Come So Many Ugly Fans?

 By Jim Berlin 

When an American man says he doesn’t like soccer he puts it out there like a boast, as if his scorn for the most popular game on the planet suggests something grand about his virility.

He will go on to tell you he’s a fan of real football, the U.S. pastime, where each of the 120-plus plays in a game have a beginning, a middle and an end. American football makes sense, man. There’s always something happening.

On the flip side is the guy who thoughtfully strokes his chin and claims soccer is a chess board come to life – the beautiful game – an athletic ballet playing out a choreography designed by the gods themselves.

It may be all that, but millions of its most rabid followers barely register on the evolutionary scale. I first met some of them in the 1990s on a night in Bosnia – the Croatian sector – while standing on the patio of a fifth-floor apartment. Suddenly, gunfire broke out – pistols and AK-47s on full-automatic – and when bullets began chewing up a wall 10 feet away I went to my belly and wondered what had sparked the firefight below.

It wasn’t a firefight. Dozens of men on

  the street, crowded around a portable radio, had just heard that the Croatian soccer team had scored a goal in some tournament or another. Thus they celebrated as all third-world countries do when something joyful occurs: by spraying lead in all directions and to hell with anyone on the receiving end.

But this is neither an indictment of soccer or a shout-out for football. What sports we obsess over is solely determined by accidents of birth. If you’re Brazilian, soccer is your passion. Born in Chicago – it’s football all the way.

In the end – beautiful or not – they’re all, and only, the games people play.

 

Future NFL’s Michael Sam Says:
“I’m Gay.” Here’s What I Say…

 By Jim Berlin  

When Michael Sam, the Missouri football star and future NFL player came out of the closet Sunday, everybody from the President to Michelle to Joe Biden raced to publicly praise him as a courageous and inspirational athlete.

I am also inspired by Michael Sam. I’m inspired to say he is a monumental pain in the ass.

I am further inspired to say that those praising him for purely-political reasons are also a monumental pain in the ass.

Gay-schmay, don’t care, yesterday’s headlines. As homosexuals themselves often say – and I’m inspired by the humor in it – “We’re gay, we’re here to stay, get used to it.”

I’m used to it. Life is short; you live yours, I’ll live mine. It’s all fair.

What I will never get used to are wildly egocentric gays like Michael Sam who think the whole world breathlessly revolves around their sexuality.

Being gay is old news, Michael. You are old news.

It’s no longer heterosexuals who are mired in the prejudices of the past. It’s the handful of gays like Mr. Sam who have been left behind and need to catch up.

Michael, listen closely: we have no interest in the object of your affections. Put the microphone down. Go tackle somebody.

Obama Says He Loves Redskins:
It’s “Washington” That Offends

By Jim Berlin

Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters today that President Obama was misunderstood when he said the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name because many people find the word offensive.

“The President loves the name Redskins,” Carney said. “He believes it pays dignified tribute to a proud people. It’s the word ‘Washington’ that is causing needless offense around the world. And when you think about it, something like the D.C. Redskins or even the American Redskins would be just as effective for a football team.”

Carney said Mr.Obama has never been fond of the name Washington, and that many foreigners – particularly radical Muslims – consider it synonymous with The Great Satan.

When contacted about Carney’s remarks, President Obama confirmed he wasn’t referring to the Redskins portion of the team’s name, but the word Washington.

“Let’s be clear about this,” Obama said. “George Washington was a helluva guy and probably deserves the title Father of our Country. But that was a long time ago, and America was pretty much going downhill before I came into office. I’m working to turn things around, but trying to fix all of George Bush’s mistakes is going to take decades and lots and lots of Democrats.”

Obama said if America has any hope of cleaning up its image and being liked again, getting rid of Washington in all its uses

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is a good place to start. “The Washington Redskins is only a tiny beginning,” he said.  “We also need to eliminate Washington as the name of our nation’s capital. And of course, the state of Washington and all 26 U.S.cities named Washington will have to go. Picking new names will be fun for everybody and they’ll be helping their country at the same time.”

The owner of the Washington Redskins, Joe Metuzzio, said he was relieved to learn the President wasn’t criticizing the Redskins part of the team’s 80-year-old name.

“But were not going to change ‘Washington’ either,” Metuzzio said. “I think a lot of Americans still like that word, and Obama can just kiss my football.”