Sebelius Blames D.C. Pizzeria
For Obamacare Website Problems

By Jim Berlin

Reacting to polls showing a majority of Americans believe “someone should be fired” for the disastrous rollout of Obamacare, Health and Human Services (HHS) secretary Kathleen Sebelius has pointed the finger at a little-known pizza parlor in Washington, D.C.

Joe Metuzzio, owner of “Hairy Joe’s Hand-Tossed Pizza Pies,” has been told he can no longer sell or deliver his pizzas to the Hubert H. Humphrey Building, which houses the headquarters of HHS.

“Mamma mia, I’m devastated!” Metuzzio said, choking back tears as he twirled pizza dough over his head. “They said the quality of my pizzas went downhill, which ruined morale at Health and Human Services while they were working on the rollout.”

Metuzzio sold 50 to 100 pizzas daily to HHS staffers as they toiled 24/7 in the weeks leading up to the launch of Obamacare. “That was half my business,” he said. “And believe me, I put up with a lotta crap from them Democrats.”

Asked to explain, the owner said his policy is that a pizza is free if not delivered within 45 minutes after a customer places the order. “They’d keep my delivery boys waiting in the office lobby until the 45 minutes was up,” Metuzzio said, “then they’d demand I give it to them free. I never had Republicans pull that stuff on me.”

Sebelius’ Indian-born deputy secretary, Passa Dabuck, said she personally informed

Joe Metuzzio at work

Metuzzio he could no longer do business with HHS. “I told him, ‘Joe, when your pizza quality went to hell, so did our work on the website. You owe America a big fat Italian apology.’”

Metuzzio reacted angrily when informed of her remarks: “Passa Dabuck was just mad because I refused to put curry on her pizzas,” he said. “If you want Indian food, for godsake, don’t order a pizza from Hairy Joe!”

When asked to comment on the Metuzzio firing, Secretary Sebelius issued the following statement: “It wasn’t just a quality issue. Hairy Joe consistently took 46 minutes to deliver his pizzas, not the 45 minutes he promised. In this town, doing things on time is just as important as doing things right.”