Obama Chewed Gum in China
But Did Not Belch Or Pass Gas

 By Jim Berlin 

White House aides leapt to President Obama’s defense after Chinese media expressed anger over his incessant gum-chewing during the economic summit in Beijing.

The Chinese were particularly offended when America’s chief representative kept chomping away while conversing with some of their top leaders.

“It’s a little known fact that among Harvard Law School graduates, gum-chewing in public is de rigueur,” an Obama staffer told me. “And to chew while speaking with someone is considered a sign of respect for that person.”

“I did not know that,” I said.

“Apparently, neither did the Chinks,” he laughed.

“Chinks? Isn’t that a derogatory term?” I asked.

“Again, it’s a little known fact that Harvard Law School grads always refer to the Chinese as Chinks. It’s also a sign of respect.”

“Gee,” I asked, “what other respectful stuff do Harvard Law graduates do?”

“Well, belching and passing gas in the company of others is real big,” he said. “And if you can do either one with style, it’s really, really respectful.”

“With style?”

“Oh, sure. For example, Mr. Obama can belch the phrase ‘I love beer.’ And if he eats a big bowl of beans beforehand, he’s been known to toot a rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’ that’s positively moving.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing he didn’t do that in China,” I offered.

“Yeah. Like I said, the Chinks just don’t understand respect.”

NYC Stop-and-Frisk Policy:
A Case of Bad-Ass Beetles

By Jim Berlin

Federal judge Shira Sheindlin has ruled that NYPD’s stop-and-frisk policy – which has reduced murders by 80 percent since 1994 – is unconstitutional because mostly Blacks and Hispanics are being, well, stopped and frisked. The judge called it “indirect racial profiling,” despite the fact that 97 percent of NYC shootings involve Blacks and Hispanics.

To understand why New York’s big blue meanies have operated as they have, imagine for a moment that you and your father are the owners of a wheat farm. One day, the Old Man calls you into the kitchen and hands you a magnifying glass…

“What’s this for, Pa?” you ask.

“Kid,” says Pa, “we got a problem with our wheat crop. Beetles are eating it.”

“Gosh, Pa, what kind of beetles?”

“The biologists call them Bad-Ass Beetles. There are Black Bad-Ass Beetles and Brown Bad-Ass Beetles, and together they’re eating 97 percent of our wheat.”

“Gee whiz, Pa, are all black and brown beetles Bad-Asses?”

“No indeed, kid, only the ones with little beetle teeth. That’s why I’m giving you this magnifying glass. I want you to go out in the fields and look in their little mouths to see if they have

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little beetle teeth. If they do, they are Bad-Ass Beetles.”

“What should I do with them, Pa?”

“You slap those Bad-Ass Beetles in a jar so they can’t eat any more of our wheat.”

“But what about white beetles, Pa? We’ve got some of them, too.”

“Yeah, we do, Kid. But White Bad-Ass Beetles are eating only three percent of our wheat. Check them out if they look kind of toothy, but remember, there are only so many hours in a day.”


Weiner: “I Falsely Confessed
To Texting Pics of my Privates”

By Jim Berlin

New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has revealed in an exclusive interview that he falsely confessed to texting photos of his sex organ to women he met on-line.

“The real truth was too embarrassing,” he told me. “It was an innocent joke that got out of hand.”

“How so?” I asked.

“What happened was, I took a close-up picture of my nose and sent it to a woman with a note saying, ‘This is a heavy burden to bear.’ Just a little self-deprecating humor, you know?”

“Nothing wrong with that,” I said.

“Of course not. But she thinks it’s really a picture of my, my, ahh…”

“Your penis?”

“I don’t like to talk dirty, but yes. She wrote back that it was the most magnificent thingy she’d ever seen. She even made reference to a wild stallion. A wild stallion – can you believe it?

“Wow! Why didn’t you tell her it was really your nose?”

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“Just stupid male ego. I mean, every guy wants to think he’s super-endowed, right? So suddenly I’m snapping all kinds of low-light close-ups of my nose and texting them to dozens of women.”

“And they all thought it was your…?”

“Yes, every one of them saw what they wanted to see!”

“And this is why you refuse to drop out of the mayor’s race?”

“Exactly. I may be guilty of poor judgment, but there’s nothing immoral about sending out pictures of your nose.”