Nothing is more painful for a man than to admit he was the victim of female sexual assault, but I can remain silent no longer: In 1980 on an airliner somewhere over Arkansas, I was forcibly groped by the current Democratic nominee for president.
Traveling in my police uniform on official business, I’d been bumped to first class in Atlanta by a kindly desk agent who said her son was also a cop. An hour later we briefly stopped in Little Rock, Arkansas, and a woman in her early 30s took the empty seat next to mine.
I quickly introduced myself, but she hesitated before replying: “I’m, ahh, Pillory,” she said. “Pillory Minton.” The nightmare had begun…
I fell asleep immediately after takeoff – only to be jolted awake sometime later by a violent tugging on my…well, that private and sacred organ beneath my belt buckle. I think you know what I mean.
Pillory, wild-eyed and sweating, had covered us with a blanket and was muttering “Hot-diggety-dog, hot-diggety-dog!” as she went vigorously about her sordid business.
“What the hell are you doing?” I managed. “Shut up, big boy!” she hissed. “I love a man in uniform and I just can’t help myself!”
Bewildered, confused, I refastened my zipper, flung the blanket aside and stumbled from first class in search of a flight attendant.
“You don’t look well, sir. Are you all right?”
“That woman next to me, Pillory Minton, she just…”
“Oh, you mean Hillary Clinton, the First Lady of Arkansas. She’s the governor’s wife.”
Oh, what to do, what to do? Who were they going to believe – an ordinary cop or the First Lady of Arkansas? Trembling, traumatized, I took a seat in coach for the rest of the flight.
When we deplaned in Miami, Hillary Clinton caught my eye, put a finger to her lips, then passed the finger over her throat in a cutting motion.
I’ve heard, that at an impromptu press conference with reporters accompanying him on his Hawaiian vacation, President Obama said he believes Christmas should no longer be called Christmas.
“Unfortunately, the word Christ is in it,” Obama said, “and many Americans – Muslims, atheists, witches – find that word offensive. C’mon, people, we’re better than that!”
The fear of giving offense, Obama said, is why his family does not exchange Christmas presents and rarely attends church.
“Look,” the president continued, “if we can call Thanksgiving ‘Turkey Day’ – which I strongly recommend – why can’t we call Christmas ‘Ham Day’? Muslims might find that offensive also, but it’s better than throwing Jesus in their faces every December 25th.”
“What about Easter, Mr. President?” a reporter asked.
“Easter? Oh…you must mean The Festival of Bunnies,” Obama said. “That’s a really fun holiday, and I love my hard-boiled eggs with lots and lots of salt.”
The president conceded that eliminating theword Christmas might be controversial,
especially when he issues an executive order banning it from all government publications: “But like I said, shoving Christ down the throats of Muslims, atheists and witches is just not the American way.”
The press conference ended moments later when Mr. Obama boarded the presidential helicopter for a flight to a nearby golf course. But reporters heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight…
The photos of President Obama shooting pool and pounding beers in a bar with Colorado Gov. Hickenlooper (his real name) while the Texas border is awash in illegal immigrants only told half the story.
Marijuana is legal in Colorado, and an employee of the tavern said Obama and Hickenlooper (his real name) quietly stepped outside and smoked some weed after downing several beers apiece.
“It was the president’s idea,” said bartender Estelle Easypour. “He obviously had a buzz on and he whispered to the governor, ‘Hey, Hick, you got grass?’ Hickenlooper then took Mr. Obama by the elbow and they slipped out the back door.”
Before being shooed away by Secret Service agents, witnesses said Hickenlooper (his real name) pulled a baggie and cigarette papers from his sock. Both men rolled their own and “rode the reefer” for about 10 minutes.
“When they came back inside,” Easypour said, “they were giggling and demanding popcorn, peanuts, hard-boiled eggs, whatever. They really had the munchies.”
When asked by reporters if he had indeed smoked marijuana, the president was defiant. “Sure, I burned one, I blasted a roach, I did a doobie – so what? I’ve got a lotta crap on my mind with all that immigrant stuff in Texas. Hey, you guys got enough pictures?”
The president then flew on Air Force One to Texas, but refused to visit the border. “I have no interest in photo ops,” he explained.
As usual, no one understood what the hell he was talking about.
Tired of what he calls “false accusations of racial insensitivity,” Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced today he will change the team’s name to one that “should be popular with players and fans alike.
“It’s time to honor the fact that over 70 percent of NFL players are Negroes,” Snyder told reporters, “which is simply a result of natural selection and their jungle roots. The guys who survived and passed along their genes were the guys who could outrun lions and tigers.”
The team’s new name, Snyder said, will be The Washington Colored Guys.
“This whole Redskins controversy has just become too much of a distraction,” the team owner lamented. “We want to get back to the business of playing football.”
Snyder said he has already assigned artists to work on a new logo reflecting the spirit of The Washington Colored Guys.
“I told them I want something simple yet powerful,” he said. “I’m personally leaning toward a really muscular Negro guy carrying a spear in a threatening manner. And here’s the
ingenious part: The words ‘colored guys’ would be etched on this really huge bone through his nose.”
When asked if he had tested the new name through focus groups, Snyder said he considered that unnecessary. “I have a good instinct for these things,” he smiled. “Some of my best friends are colored guys, and I know they are going to be thrilled to finally get the recognition they deserve.
“I mean, really, how many Indians are playing pro football? I should have changed our name to The Washington Colored Guys years ago. It would have saved me a whole lot of aggravation.”