Shiite Muslims, Sunni Muslims, wild-eyed bearded men with ridiculous unpronounceable names – it’s all too much for Americans to understand.
What we do know is that despite years of training by U.S. troops and outnumbering al-Qaeda insurgents 10 to one, Iraqi soldiers are dropping their weapons like a hot pork sandwich and running home to their villages with a single burning question on their lips:
“Where’s my goat herd, dude?”
The al-Qaeda crazies threatening to conquer Iraq are not dropping their weapons because they believe their Sunni Muslim god is better than the Shiite Muslim god, and both gods are a damn-side better than the Christian god. They’ll get to us next.
But like the Iraqi soldiers, the insurgents have one love, one passion, that supersedes all of their murderous religious fanaticism: herding goats.
As one expert on Middle-Eastern men put it: “No matter what he may be doing – making love, eating, engaged in combat – he will drop everything if he sees more than one goat
standing unattended in a field. His DNA demands that he immediately herd the goats into a single unit and watch over them.”
And therein lies the solution to preventing the most radical Muslims in Iraq from conquering the just-a-little-less radical Muslims in Iraq. Instead of military intervention, President Obama must launch a massive airlift of goats, dropping thousands of the animals by parachute wherever the war is raging.
Soldiers from both sides will immediately throw down their arms and go back to being the one and only thing God put them on Earth to be: goat herders.
Since the Democratic Party thrives on selling the Blue Collar Narrative – “We’re all about income equality and helping out the po’ folks” – Democratic politicians squirm like worms on a hook when they‘re outed as filthy rich.
So when Hillary Clinton was asked by Diane Sawyer this week about all the cash she and Bill have raked in since leaving the White House (over $120 million in speaking fees alone), Hillary went for the rags-to-riches defense:
She and Bill were “dead broke and in debt” when his terms were up, she said, but thanks to hard work and an undying belief in the American dream, they were able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, etcetera, etcetera. (I made up the bootstraps, but that’s what she was shooting for.)
Now, “dead broke” means different things to different people. My first reaction was an image of Hillary and Bill living under a bridge somewhere in D.C., warming themselves over a newspaper campfire, rocking a hungry and weeping Chelsea to sleep with mournful lullabies.
“Don’t you worry, child,” Hillary coos, “your
daddy’s gonna buy an old Chevy tomorrow and go lookin’ for work.”
They slept then, these brave blue collar patriots, huddled in love beneath a single blanket stolen from the Lincoln bedroom.
Gosh, I’m so naïve. Turns out that during this dreadful period of “being broke,” Bill and Hillary bought two mansions worth over $5 million and never missed a lobster dinner. Worse, the Clintons now have three times the reported net worth of Republican George W. Bush, he of the “rich man’s party.”
Barack Obama’s most ardent supporter on earth, Senate majority leader Harry Reid, today tearfully defended the president’s release of five dangerous jihadists from Guantanamo as an “heroic” action.
The Nevada senator’s emotional defense came as no surprise to Washington insiders. In 2008 Reid sought to legally adopt Mr. Obama, saying at the time, “I just want to be the daddy he never had.”
When Obama politely declined the adoption offer Reid countered by establishing a trust fund to finance the college educations of the president’s children.
“Now that we will accept,” Obama said. “But Creepy Uncle Harry, as the kids call him, still can’t come near us in the White House. The restraining order against him remains in effect.”
The “restraining order” refers to an embarrassing period in 2013 when Sen. Reid began loitering at night near the White House entrance to the Obamas’ private living quarters.
“I just wanted to get a glimpse of him,” Reid told Secret Service agents sent to investigate. “Maybe he’d see me and say something personal like, ‘Hi, Harry, how’s it going?’ I didn’t mean to scare the children.”
While the senator was clinically diagnosed in infancy as “non-human” (born with no trace of a personality), he becomes strangely emotional at any mention of President Obama. This has led to a game among the Washington press corps in which they unexpectedly shout “Barack” or “Obama” in Reid’s presence.
“It’s a gas,” one reporter laughed. “Harry’s thin little lips start to quiver, and suddenly he’s bawling like a big ol’ baby.
“It’s a sickness and we shouldn’t do it,” he continued, “but it’s the only evidence we have that the man’s not a robot.”
In the Old West a clever horse trader could start off with a broken down nag and – through incremental improvements as he swapped horse-after-horse – wind up with a stallion any cowboy would be proud to own.
If President Obama had been an Old West horse trader he would have wound up holding the leash to a three-legged raccoon with one good eye.
The president’s latest trade was typical. He released five leading Taliban terrorists from Guantanamo – jihadist crazies who can’t wait to kill more Americans – in exchange for one U.S. soldier named Bowe Bergdahl. And this is a soldier in name only.
He either handed himself over to the Taliban or was taken captive after deserting his guard post in Afghanistan. Six real U.S. soldiers died in the ensuing search for Bergdahl, a man who later told his parents in an email that he is “ashamed to be an American.”
None of these inconvenient facts have dampened plans for a big welcome-back reception in Bergdahl’s hometown. The citizens of Hailey, Idaho are already hanging yellow ribbons and promoters say “thousands will attend” the ceremonies.
If someone were looking for a good place to unload a three-legged raccoon with one good eye, Hailey, Idaho looks like a great place to start.
Don’t be surprised if Mr. Obama is there when Bowe Bergdahl comes – not marching – but crawling home.