Pope’s Next Encyclical To Offer
Kinky Sex Tips for Catholics

 By Jim Berlin

Imagine yourself on a New Orleans balcony overlooking Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras. Now rear back and hurl a rock into that drunken wave of humanity below…

Whoever you hit with that rock will know as much about global warming as Pope Francis.

The difference is that Francis, spiritual head of 16 percent of the world’s inhabitants, just issued an encyclical (fancy-ass letter) blaming humans and their fossil fuels for global warming.

The pope’s condemnation of coal, oil and natural gas – the economic life’s blood of every advanced nation – has upset even some Catholics. As they point out, the church belief in papal infallibility only applies to pronouncements on faith and morals.

Global warming is neither of those, which means the pope’s opinion on the subject carries no more weight than that of our Mardi Gras drunk.

Still, the pontiff is to be admired for tackling any issue, religious or not, which he considers important to mankind. This week he called all Catholic manufacturers

of guns and weapons “hypocrites,” and is reportedly close to issuing another encyclical – this one intended to strengthen heterosexual marriages.

Vatican spokesman Rev. Joe Metuzzio said the title of the fancy-ass letter will be, “The Pope Francis Guide to Red-Hot Kinky Catholic Sex.”

“His Eminence has never personally experienced red-hot kinky sex,” Rev. Metuzzio said, “but years of hearing confessions have taught him all he needs to know.”