‘Just Move’ Stamps Cancelled:
“Be Army Safe” New Slogan

By Jim Berlin

A series of 15 stamps inspired by Michelle Obama’s “Just Move” campaign has been withdrawn by the Postal Service after the President’s Council on Fitness and the White House (i.e., the First Lady), said three of the stamps depicted dangerous activities.

Specifically, the inappropriate stamps showed a kid doing a cannonball into a pool, riding a skateboard without kneepads and performing a headstand without a helmet.

In a related matter, President Obama has ordered armed forces recruiters to determine if prospective recruits have engaged in these, or any other dangerous childhood activities.

“Mrs. Obama has convinced her husband we don’t want a bunch of yahoo cowboys fighting our future wars,” a White House spokesman said. “We want serious-minded, safety-first youngsters who took every precaution not to injure themselves while growing up.”

Beginning in January, a “yes” answer to any of the following questions will automatically disqualify applicants from enlisting in the military:

(1) Have you ever performed a cannonball, attempted or completed a headstand without a helmet, or ridden a bicycle while not wearing a mouth-guard, kneepads, elbow pads and a helmet – or ridden a bike with under-inflated tires, over-inflated tires, or tires without too little tread?

(2) Have you ever run, or even walked fast, with scissors in your hand after your mother told you not to?

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(3) Did a physical altercation between you and a brother or sister ever result in a bruise, scrape, scratch or bloody nose?

(4) Have you ever played any game in the street involving a ball?

(5) Have you ever recklessly participated in back-seat sex that resulted in leg cramps, hickeys, whisker-burn or laughing police officers tapping on the window with their flashlights?

“This is only a partial list of disqualifying questions,” the White House spokesman said. “Instead of Be Army Strong, we’re going with Be Army Safe. Michelle thinks parents will be more comfortable with that.”