Toothpaste Bombs Just the Tip
of Terrorists’ Air Travel Threat

 By Jim Berlin

Homeland Security’s warning that terrorists may attempt to board Russian-bound planes with explosives disguised as toothpaste could lead to an eventual ban on the product for all commercial travelers – even in checked luggage.

While that will add another level of inconvenience to flying, radical Islam’s research and development labs have reportedly created other plastic explosives that promise even more disruption…

“They’ve come up with a substance that closely resembles common earwax,” a Homeland Security official told me. “And if that weren’t bad enough, they may have another explosive that looks just like nose debris.”

“Nose debris?”

“Buggers,” he said.

“But how much of that stuff could a terrorist pack into his ears or nose?” I asked.

“He wouldn’t need much,” the official said. “If he gets a window seat, and presses his big

Middle-Eastern ear or schnozzola hard against the glass – then detonates – it would be bye-bye birdie.”

“What can we do about this?” I asked.

“We’re currently training hundreds of TSA officers to look into everyone’s nostrils and ear canals,” he said. “It will slow the lines down a little, but if travelers just come to the airport 12 hours before their flights everything will run smoothly.”

“It’s a small price to pay for security,” I said.

Pope Urges Peace in Mid-East:
Muslim Terrorists Deeply Moved

By Jim Berlin

The Vatican believes Islamic extremists are reexamining their motto “Death to the infidel dogs” after Pope Benedict XVI’s remarks to a crowd of 300,000 in Beirut on Sunday.

Speaking at the end of an open-air Mass, the pontiff stunned the mixed-faith audience by making an urgent plea for peace and brotherhood and urging Christians to play a constructive role as peacemakers.

“We were particularly moved,” said Islamic militant Ikillu Day-ed, “by the pope’s observation that violence ‘generates so much suffering.’ When we fire an RPG into a crowd there’s going to be an explosion and some smoke and fire, sure, but until now it was just good theater. We didn’t really think it through.”

When informed of Ikillu Day-ed’s comment, Vatican spokesman Federico Antipasto beamed and said he wasn’t surprised: “That’s exactly why His Holiness decided to call for peace and brotherhood now rather than wait for Christmas Eve. A lot of people could die between now and Christmas.”

But some Christians in the crowd expressed confusion over the pope’s urging them to play a constructive role in peacemaking.

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“We don’t strap on suicide vests or attack embassies or burn flags,” one woman said, “and we don’t kill Muslims just because they’re not Christians. So how do we reach out to them?”

“Finger-pointing is unchristian and counter-productive,” Federico Antipasto responded. “As the pope said, ‘May God grant to the Middle East the gift of peaceful hearts, the silencing of weapons and the cessation of violence.’ It’s that simple.”

“Allahu Akbar and Amen to that!” shouted Ikillu Day-ed. “I’m going to hug the first Christian I see today.”