Barack Changes Name to “Buck”:
Message to Putin:”I’m No Pussy”

By Jim Berlin

White House reporters were stunned Wednesday when press secretary Jay Carney said the president wishes to be identified as “Buck” Obama – not Barack – in all future news stories.

“Michelle and his closest friends have always called him Buck in private,” Carney said, “and the president just feels it’s a better fit.”

Washington insiders say the name change is a direct response to rumors that Russia’s Vladimir Putin often refers to Obama as “that little pussy.”

“That little pussy did nothing when I took Crimea,” he reportedly told aides, “and that little pussy will do nothing when I take eastern Ukraine.”

The perception of manliness is paramount in Russia and Putin likes to boast that he has “all the punches in my Man Card.”: former KGB agent, a black belt in judo and photos galore of him hunting dangerous game and firing a variety of weapons with easy familiarity.

Mr. Obama is a former community organizer, has several black belts by Ferragamo,

confessed to sometimes getting queasy while picking through steaks at a supermarket, and refers to a rifle barrel as “the skinny part where a bullet comes out of a hole.”

When asked later in the news conference why the president has rejected Ukraine’s pleas for weapons to fight the Russians, Carney claimed the issue is still under advisement.

“That was Barack who said No to giving them guns,” Carney said. “Buck Obama is going to hold meetings on the subject – many, many meetings – and really talk about it a lot.”

Obama to ABC’s Jon Karl:
“Why Are You So Mean?”

By Jim Berlin 

When ABC’s Jonathan Karl asked Mr. Obama on Monday whether Mitt Romney had been right in their 2012 debate when he said Russia was America’s main geopolitical foe (Obama mocked him for it), it marked the second time the reporter has annoyed the president with a tough question.

The first was back in September when Karl pressed and irritated Obama for not carrying through on his promise to punish Syria if it used chemical weapons. The president, who only expects hard questions from Fox News, approached the reporter after Monday’s news conference and Karl claims the following conversation occurred:

Jon, why have you been such a meanie lately? Why can’t you be more like Diane and George?”

“Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopoulos?”

“Yes. George always asks how our dog Bo is doing. You never ask me about Bo, Jon. Don’t you like my precious little dog?”

“I just figured he was okay, Mr. President.”

“And Diane, she can’t get enough news about my wonderful daughters Sasha and Malia and my wonderful wife Michelle. Have you got something against my wonderful kids and the

wonderful way Michelle and I are raising them…wonderfully speaking? And when’s the last time you mentioned my dazzling smile? Everyone but everyone talks about my smile – but not you Jon. What the hell is the matter with you anyway?”

“I’m just trying to be an actual news reporter, Mr. President.”

“Well, just think about this, Mr. Fancy Pants News Reporter! George and Diane are news anchors, not lousy news reporters. You know why, Jon? I’ll tell you why: Because they love my dazzling smile and my wonderful dog and my wonderful wife and kids. Think about that before you open your yap at the next press conference!”