Is “Clinton Foundation” a Vault
In Bill & Hillary’s Basement?

 By Jim Berlin 

So now it turns out that from 2009 to 2013, foreign governments and companies seeking favors from our State Department (Hillary ran that) gave hundreds of millions to the Clinton Foundation (Bill ran that).

Among all the favors was a deal orchestrated by Bill, and signed off on by Hill, that gave Russia control of the world supply of uranium – including 50 percent of America’s uranium production. (That’s a national security issue, of course, but not to worry…the Clinton Foundation and Vladimir Putin have our backs.)

But just what is the Clinton Foundation? Joe Metuzzio, a plumber recently hired to install 24-carat gold fixtures throughout Bill and Hillary’s mansion in New York state, may have provided a clue.

“I had to take one of the elevators down to the basement of the mansion,” Metuzzio told a reporter.

“Joe,” the reporter asked, “by the basement you mean under the foundation of the house?”

“Yeah, man, under the Clinton Foundation. So I get off the elevator under the Clinton Foundation, and there was this walk-in bank vault that covered maybe an acre. Biggest damn vault I ever saw.”

“Can you describe it to us, Joe?”

“Sure. Over the door, which was standing

open, was this giant brass sign that said ‘The Clinton Foundation.’ It had a huge smiley face on one side, and an oil painting of Mr. and Mrs. Clinton on the other. They were smiling like the smiley face – and both giving the finger.”

“And what was inside the vault, Mr. Metuzzio?”

“Stacks of hundred dollar bills,” the plumber said. “From floor to ceiling as far as the eye could see. There were gold bricks, too…more than I could count. This Clinton Foundation thing…just what does it do with all that money and gold?” Metuzzio asked.

“What any foundation does, Joe,” the reporter said. “The Clinton Foundation holds up the Clinton house.”

Obama Says ‘Christmas’ Hurtful:
Wants Us To Call It ‘Ham Day’

 By Jim Berlin 

I’ve heard, that at an impromptu press conference with reporters accompanying him on his Hawaiian vacation, President Obama said he believes Christmas should no longer be called Christmas.

“Unfortunately, the word Christ is in it,” Obama said, “and many Americans – Muslims, atheists, witches – find that word offensive. C’mon, people, we’re better than that!”

The fear of giving offense, Obama said, is why his family does not exchange Christmas presents and rarely attends church.

“Look,” the president continued, “if we can call Thanksgiving ‘Turkey Day’ – which I strongly recommend – why can’t we call Christmas ‘Ham Day’? Muslims might find that offensive also, but it’s better than throwing Jesus in their faces every December 25th.”

“What about Easter, Mr. President?” a reporter asked.

“Easter? Oh…you must mean The Festival of Bunnies,” Obama said. “That’s a really fun holiday, and I love my hard-boiled eggs with lots and lots of salt.”

The president conceded that eliminating the word Christmas might be controversial,

 especially when he issues an executive order banning it from all government publications: “But like I said, shoving Christ down the throats of Muslims, atheists and witches is just not the American way.”

The press conference ended moments later when Mr. Obama boarded the presidential helicopter for a flight to a nearby golf course. But reporters heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight…

“Happy Ham Day to all, and to all a good night!”

Support Male-Female Marriage?
Don’t Come Out of the Closet

 By Jim Berlin 

The overwhelming and still-growing acceptance of gay marriage has not satisfied many gay activists. They are in a raging snit, bent on vengeance, and have American society and business on the run.

How frightened and how fast they’re running were displayed when the CEO of Mozilla was recently fired for a single sin committed years ago: He made a one-time donation to a group supporting “traditional marriage.”

For younger readers, traditional marriage (it sounds silly now just saying it) was once the only kind of marriage there was. It occurs when a male member of the human species is joined in a civil or religious ceremony with his gender-opposite, i.e., a female. The practice caught on thousands of years ago when men and women realized (a) they were attracted to one another, and (b) there were physical and social advantages to such a union.

First, there was a natural fit in the male-female plumbing (so natural it almost seemed by design). This natural fit encouraged a pleasant phenomenon known as “having sex,” and was so easy to perform no instruction or creativity were required.

Second, it was discovered that having sex often resulted in babies, and that the appendages on

female chests were capable of actually feeding the babies. The first time this occurred, so the legend goes, the man and woman spontaneously shouted, “Wow, how convenient is that?”

And finally, because of traditional marriage the baby had two committed people caring for it, thus greatly improving its chances for survival.

Traditional marriage has had a good run and will likely remain popular in some quarters. But its supporters must learn to remain in the closet.

Especially if they want to keep their jobs.

Oprah Can’t Save Armstrong:
He Must Campaign Vs. Spandex

By Jim Berlin

Apparently any chance God had of winning over Lance Armstrong was lost when the champion cyclist contracted testicular cancer in 1996 and was given a 40 percent chance of survival.

Despite being totally cured in only four months, Armstrong said in an interview: “If there was a God, I’d still have two nuts.”

So if not to God, where does a deep-thinking atheist like Armstrong go when seeking absolution for lying and doping his way to the pinnacle of bike-racing fame? The Blessed Virgin Mary was out, of course (guilt by association), so that only left the Blessed un-virgin Oprah.

Sexual rumors about Oprah suggest she is also disinterested in the condition or number of Armstrong’s testicles, but absolution is where you find it. The problem for Lance is this: not even Winfrey’s forgiveness will allow people to see him from now on as anything but a monumental liar and consummate doper.

Only one act can save him. Only one campaign can put the vast majority of citizens back in his corner and keep them there.

Lance must come out against those godawful stupid outfits bicyclists feel compelled to

google images

wear whenever they go riding. Those butt-hugging spandex shorts, those just-too-cute festive shirts, those streamlined helmets with the fancy designs – all must go.

It would be gaggy enough if cyclists traveled alone or in modest pairs, but they insist on hitting the road in flocks and gaggles and endless strings of panting animated costumes – all so very intent, so passionate…so nauseatingly smug in their physical fitness.

If Lance can fix this somehow, America will welcome him back like The Prodigal Son.