‘Just Move’ Stamps Cancelled:
“Be Army Safe” New Slogan

By Jim Berlin

A series of 15 stamps inspired by Michelle Obama’s “Just Move” campaign has been withdrawn by the Postal Service after the President’s Council on Fitness and the White House (i.e., the First Lady), said three of the stamps depicted dangerous activities.

Specifically, the inappropriate stamps showed a kid doing a cannonball into a pool, riding a skateboard without kneepads and performing a headstand without a helmet.

In a related matter, President Obama has ordered armed forces recruiters to determine if prospective recruits have engaged in these, or any other dangerous childhood activities.

“Mrs. Obama has convinced her husband we don’t want a bunch of yahoo cowboys fighting our future wars,” a White House spokesman said. “We want serious-minded, safety-first youngsters who took every precaution not to injure themselves while growing up.”

Beginning in January, a “yes” answer to any of the following questions will automatically disqualify applicants from enlisting in the military:

(1) Have you ever performed a cannonball, attempted or completed a headstand without a helmet, or ridden a bicycle while not wearing a mouth-guard, kneepads, elbow pads and a helmet – or ridden a bike with under-inflated tires, over-inflated tires, or tires without too little tread?

(2) Have you ever run, or even walked fast, with scissors in your hand after your mother told you not to?

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(3) Did a physical altercation between you and a brother or sister ever result in a bruise, scrape, scratch or bloody nose?

(4) Have you ever played any game in the street involving a ball?

(5) Have you ever recklessly participated in back-seat sex that resulted in leg cramps, hickeys, whisker-burn or laughing police officers tapping on the window with their flashlights?

“This is only a partial list of disqualifying questions,” the White House spokesman said. “Instead of Be Army Strong, we’re going with Be Army Safe. Michelle thinks parents will be more comfortable with that.”

North Korean Army, U.S. Army:
How Our Dogs Are Different

By Jim Berlin

A just-released North Korean propaganda film shows Communist soldiers running their German shepherds through an obstacle course, concluding with the dogs energetically chewing up the face of a mannequin. The mannequin has the face of the South Korean defense minister.

You can’t blame the dogs. While they are an intelligent breed they aren’t smart enough to know that the hands that feed and beat them are attached to mindless robots taught from birth to hate the world.

Now, if you go just a few miles down the map into South Korea you will find more German shepherds – genetic and biological twins to their North Korean counterparts. These shepherds belong to K-9 handlers in the American military, and the hands that feed — but never beat — are attached to kindly men and women who defend freedom wherever it’s threatened. With equal vigor, the dogs in the North serve evil, the dogs in the South serve freedom. When it comes to German shepherds it’s all in the training.

Unfortunately, humans can also be trained to blindly serve their masters. Like the German shepherds there is no genetic or biological difference between the people of North Korea and the people of South Korea. Yet, there is all the difference in the world.

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In the South the people live prosperous and free and produce cars and electronics that are the match of any on the planet. In the North, under dictator Kim Jong-un, the people produce nothing but more soldiers for the army. Unless they serve in the armed forces they are either slowly starving or slowly dying in slave labor camps.

And yet most of them still adore The Glorious Leader and The Glorious Leader’s father and The Glorious Leader’s grandfather. It’s what they have been trained to do.

When it comes to a dog’s life, it often just depends on which side of the fence you live.