Redskins Agree to Change Name:
New Logo Will Honor Black Men

By Jim Berlin 

Tired of what he calls “false accusations of racial insensitivity,” Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced today he will change the team’s name to one that “should be popular with players and fans alike.

“It’s time to honor the fact that over 70 percent of NFL players are Negroes,” Snyder told reporters, “which is simply a result of natural selection and their jungle roots. The guys who survived and passed along their genes were the guys who could outrun lions and tigers.”

The team’s new name, Snyder said, will be The Washington Colored Guys.

“This whole Redskins controversy has just become too much of a distraction,” the team owner lamented. “We want to get back to the business of playing football.”

Snyder said he has already assigned artists to work on a new logo reflecting the spirit of The Washington Colored Guys.

“I told them I want something simple yet powerful,” he said. “I’m personally leaning toward a really muscular Negro guy carrying a spear in a threatening manner. And here’s the

ingenious part: The words ‘colored guys’ would be etched on this really huge bone through his nose.”

When asked if he had tested the new name through focus groups, Snyder said he considered that unnecessary. “I have a good instinct for these things,” he smiled. “Some of my best friends are colored guys, and I know they are going to be thrilled to finally get the recognition they deserve.

“I mean, really, how many Indians are playing pro football? I should have changed our name to The Washington Colored Guys years ago. It would have saved me a whole lot of aggravation.”

 

Obama Says He Loves Redskins:
It’s “Washington” That Offends

By Jim Berlin

Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters today that President Obama was misunderstood when he said the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name because many people find the word offensive.

“The President loves the name Redskins,” Carney said. “He believes it pays dignified tribute to a proud people. It’s the word ‘Washington’ that is causing needless offense around the world. And when you think about it, something like the D.C. Redskins or even the American Redskins would be just as effective for a football team.”

Carney said Mr.Obama has never been fond of the name Washington, and that many foreigners – particularly radical Muslims – consider it synonymous with The Great Satan.

When contacted about Carney’s remarks, President Obama confirmed he wasn’t referring to the Redskins portion of the team’s name, but the word Washington.

“Let’s be clear about this,” Obama said. “George Washington was a helluva guy and probably deserves the title Father of our Country. But that was a long time ago, and America was pretty much going downhill before I came into office. I’m working to turn things around, but trying to fix all of George Bush’s mistakes is going to take decades and lots and lots of Democrats.”

Obama said if America has any hope of cleaning up its image and being liked again, getting rid of Washington in all its uses

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is a good place to start. “The Washington Redskins is only a tiny beginning,” he said.  “We also need to eliminate Washington as the name of our nation’s capital. And of course, the state of Washington and all 26 U.S.cities named Washington will have to go. Picking new names will be fun for everybody and they’ll be helping their country at the same time.”

The owner of the Washington Redskins, Joe Metuzzio, said he was relieved to learn the President wasn’t criticizing the Redskins part of the team’s 80-year-old name.

“But were not going to change ‘Washington’ either,” Metuzzio said. “I think a lot of Americans still like that word, and Obama can just kiss my football.”