As Dems Deny Knowing Obama,
The Cock Crows Itself Hoarse

 By Jim Berlin

Descendants of that cock that crowed when St. Peter thrice denied knowing Christ are being heard across America as Democrats fighting for reelection try to distance themselves from Barack Obama.

Take Colorado Sen. Mark Udall, who actually voted 99 percent of the time for the president’s policies in 2013. Those same lips so intimately familiar with Obama’s derriere parted to say this in a recent debate: “Let me tell you, the White House when they look down the front lawn, the last person they want to see coming is me.”

Michelle, peeking through the White House curtains: “Omigawd, here comes Udall again.”

Barack: “What’s he carrying this time?”

Michelle: “What else? A big bag of Hershey’s Kisses.”

Damnit! How many times do we have to tell him – ‘Mark, we only eat Godiva chocolates here.’ And every time he shows up with Hershey’s. He’s the last person I want to see coming across the lawn.”

Apparently Colorado voters are also tired of the senator and his Kisses. Like a majority of other incumbent Democrats suddenly denying their love for the president, he is trailing his Republican opponent by several points.

The roosters, like the chickens, are coming home to roost.

Weiner: “I Falsely Confessed
To Texting Pics of my Privates”

By Jim Berlin

New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has revealed in an exclusive interview that he falsely confessed to texting photos of his sex organ to women he met on-line.

“The real truth was too embarrassing,” he told me. “It was an innocent joke that got out of hand.”

“How so?” I asked.

“What happened was, I took a close-up picture of my nose and sent it to a woman with a note saying, ‘This is a heavy burden to bear.’ Just a little self-deprecating humor, you know?”

“Nothing wrong with that,” I said.

“Of course not. But she thinks it’s really a picture of my, my, ahh…”

“Your penis?”

“I don’t like to talk dirty, but yes. She wrote back that it was the most magnificent thingy she’d ever seen. She even made reference to a wild stallion. A wild stallion – can you believe it?

“Wow! Why didn’t you tell her it was really your nose?”

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“Just stupid male ego. I mean, every guy wants to think he’s super-endowed, right? So suddenly I’m snapping all kinds of low-light close-ups of my nose and texting them to dozens of women.”

“And they all thought it was your…?”

“Yes, every one of them saw what they wanted to see!”

“And this is why you refuse to drop out of the mayor’s race?”

“Exactly. I may be guilty of poor judgment, but there’s nothing immoral about sending out pictures of your nose.”

Obama’s California Fundraiser
Offers Food to Hungry Egos

By Jim Berlin

In homes and offices across the country are prominently-displayed photos of private citizens posing with their “close friends” – governors, congressmen,U.S.senators, sometimes even a president. In most cases the politician had little idea who this citizen was, other than the fact he made a hefty contribution to his party or campaign.

Feeding the egos of wealthy donors eager to trade cash for a “buddy photo” with a politician is a time-honored fundraising strategy. But there is something particularly tacky about the Democratic luncheon scheduled for Friday in California.

President Obama will be there, and the list of items for sale was clearly stated in the invitation letter:

(1) $10,000 gets you the lunch. Period. But you will actually be in the same room with the President. You may even breathe some of the same air if you stick your nose in the right place.

(2) For $16,200 you get the lunch and a photo with Mr. Obama. It will not, however, be an official photo…whatever the hell that is.

(3) $32,400 buys the entire Presidential Gold Package (I made up the “Gold Package” label, but that’s all I made up.) The Gold Package includes lunch, an official photo – whatever the hell that is — of you and the President, and an after-luncheon off-the-record meeting with the President and 24 other ego-starved rich people. “President Obama will

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take your questions…you can discuss with him what you’d like.”

These donors are selling themselves too cheaply. For $32,400 I would demand an evening at the White House and an hour of hot-tub-time with Barack and the First Lady. When I was sufficiently drowsy from the champagne I would retire to the Lincoln Bedroom and slip into my complementary, monogrammed White House pajamas.

Michelle would then tuck me in, plant a motherly kiss on my forehead and softly sing a lullaby as she tiptoes from the room.

Even that scenario would be tacky and pathetic, seeing as I had to pay for it. But it would be a damn-side better than standing in line with a bunch of rich yahoos waiting for their very own official photo. Whatever the hell that is.

 

Despite Corruption, Mexico Safe
If Simple Rules Are Followed

By Jim Berlin

Under intense U.S. political and media pressure, a Mexican judge – between bites of a taco — today released Yanira Maldonado, the Arizona mother of seven arrested and imprisoned on a phony marijuana-smuggling charge.

Mexican authorities originally offered to free her if the woman’s family coughed up a $5,000 bribe, but the deal collapsed before the cash could be raised.

This not-uncommon incident – combined with rampant kidnappings, drug wars, psychopathic banditos and food that will turn your breath into a biological weapon – has convinced many Americans never to go south of the border again. But Mexico is a fun place to visit if you just follow a few simple rules:

(1) If driving, carry several hundred dollars in small bills to bribe the string of traffic cops who will pull you over for “running that stop sign back there.” Mexican police have actually memorized that phrase in English, plus the phrase that follows:

“The fine is 50 dollars. You pay now, there be no problem.” (Make a counter-offer of $20 and his pick of one CD from your “Golden Collection of Mariachi Music’s Greatest Hits.”).

(2) Never go outside after dark – even if your hotel is on fire. Hide under the bed and pray

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unceasingly that you will live to see another sunrise. Especially, ignore knocks on the door and a voice that says “Room service.” This is Mexico. There is no room service.

(3) Don’t drink the water, don’t use any ice cubes and don’t dine in a dirt-floor restaurant no matter how charming the place might be. You will contract “Montezuma’s Revenge” – an instant weight-loss program that violently expels every drop of fluid in your system from every orifice in your body.

Before Montezuma finally leaves you in search of another gringo, you will beg God to take you even if you know you’re going to hell.

Have a wonderful vacation! Viva Mexico!