If Joe Biden, Master Heckler,
Had Been at Gettysburg Address

 By Jim Berlin

After watching the vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan, it occurred to me that President Lincoln was fortunate Heckler Joe wasn’t in the crowd the day Abe dedicated the National Cemetery at Gettysburg in 1863…

“Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent…”

“Well, la-dee-da, Abe — what’s with the fancy numbers? Can’t ya count? It’s 87 years for godsake!”

Ahh…our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”

“That’s a bunch of malarkey! I got yer equality right here, big boy!”

And now…and now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived…”

“Speakin’ of conceived, how do ya feel about women, huh, Abe? Free the slaves? That’s a bunch of stuff! How about freeing the women, huh, Abe?You wagin’ a war on women?

“Yes, ahh, whether any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war…”

“Hey! Are there gonna be sandwiches after this?”

“And…and in conclusion…we highly resolve that government of the people, by the people and for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.”

“Abe! This is a lousy place for a cemetery! This cemetery shoulda been in Scranton!”

 

Paul Ryan Convention Speech
Convinces Obama: Joe Must Go

By Jim Berlin

Even Democrats conceded that Paul Ryan’s rousing speech at the Republican Convention Wednesday was proof he’ll be a formidable running mate with Mitt Romney.

So formidable, in fact, reports have surfaced that President Obama phoned Joe Biden only   minutes after Ryan ended his address: “Joe, you saw it, Ryan’s speech?”

“Oh, yeah. What a doofus, huh? I can’t wait to open up a can of old-fashioned Biden whup-ass when I debate him.”

“About that, Joe. How’s your health? Been feeling poorly lately?”

“Never felt effin better, sir. Did I tell you how I’m going to open up a can of old-fashioned…”

“I want you to know, Joe, I’ll understand if you have to withdraw from the race for, uh, personal reasons.”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying, Mr. President? Who could possibly debate Paul Ryan better than me?”

“I’m thinking Elmer Fudd, Joe. I got him on his cell during a late-night rabbit hunt

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and he’s agreed to join me on the ticket.”

“A rabbit hunt? Elmer Fudd?”

“Yes, he’s still after that wascally wabbit. But once you get past his bunny fixation he’s a very bright guy.”

“Elmer Fudd? You’re replacing me with Elmer Fudd?”

“It’s for the good of the party, Joe. He just gives us a better shot in the debate.”