Clintons 3X Richer Than Bush:
Is “Blue Collar Party” Now GOP?

By Jim Berlin

Since the Democratic Party thrives on selling the Blue Collar Narrative – “We’re all about income equality and helping out the po’ folks” – Democratic politicians squirm like worms on a hook when they‘re outed as filthy rich.

So when Hillary Clinton was asked by Diane Sawyer this week about all the cash she and Bill have raked in since leaving the White House (over $120 million in speaking fees alone), Hillary went for the rags-to-riches defense:

She and Bill were “dead broke and in debt” when his terms were up, she said, but thanks to hard work and an undying belief in the American dream, they were able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, etcetera, etcetera. (I made up the bootstraps, but that’s what she was shooting for.)

Now, “dead broke” means different things to different people. My first reaction was an image of Hillary and Bill living under a bridge somewhere in D.C., warming themselves over a newspaper campfire, rocking a hungry and weeping Chelsea to sleep with mournful lullabies.

“Don’t you worry, child,” Hillary coos, “your

daddy’s gonna buy an old Chevy tomorrow and go lookin’ for work.”

They slept then, these brave blue collar patriots, huddled in love beneath a single blanket stolen from the Lincoln bedroom.

Gosh, I’m so naïve. Turns out that during this dreadful period of “being broke,” Bill and Hillary bought two mansions worth over $5 million and never missed a lobster dinner. Worse, the Clintons now have three times the reported net worth of Republican George W. Bush, he of the “rich man’s party.”

How the squirming worm has turned.

Shinseki Rules Out Suicide
Over V.A. Hospital Scandal

By Jim Berlin

When a South Korean ferryboat capsized last month and over 300 high school students drowned, their school principal – in the Asian tradition of ultimate accountability – committed suicide.

Aware of the practice, President Obama immediately phoned Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki when news broke that over 1,000 veterans have died while awaiting treatment at V.A. hospitals…

“Eric, you’re Japanese, right?”

“My parents are Japanese, Mr. President, but I was born in Hawaii just like you.”

“Close enough. I just wanted you to know you’re no more responsible for this V.A. mess than I am as Commander-in-Chief. Stuff happens. And, well, you know, I wouldn’t want you to be too hard on yourself and do something rash.”

“I’m not going to resign, if that‘s what you’re asking.”

“Heavens no! I was more worried about that Japanese thing you people do when you think you’ve fallen down on the job.”

“Get depressed? No, Mr. President, I’m not

depressed at all. Like you said, stuff happens.”

“Great! But we at least have to be angry. I’ve already told Jay Carney to announce that I’m ‘madder than hell.’ It would be good if you also said you were mad as hell.”

“I’ve already taken care of it, sir. I told the press just today that I’m mad as hell.”

“Excellent. When important people like you and me use common phrases like ‘mad as hell,’ everyone believes us. It shows we’re feeling accountable.”

Four Judges on Supreme Court
Confused by English Language

 By Jim Berlin 

If you are a silly little child, you might think the nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court – the finest minds in lawyerdom – would be experts in understanding the English language. Which, coincidentally, was the one used when writing the Constitution.

And yet when asked in 2008 to interpret the meaning of “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed,” four of the finest minds in all lawyerdom – try as they might – could not make sense of the words. In fact, these four liberal judges decided the words meant the right should be infringed.

Fortunately, the five conservative members of the Court understood this very understandable sentence, and the people’s right to keep and bear arms, the Second Amendment, was barely upheld. The vote: five to four.

Fast forward to Monday when the Court ruled on whether public prayers – even though they were usually Christian – could continue to be said before local government meetings. At issue were the words in the First Amendment: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”

Again, try as they might, the four liberals on the Court could not make heads or tails of the meaning of “the free exercise thereof.” In the end, they decided it meant prayers could not be said before government meetings.

And again, the five conservative judges understood this very understandable phrase – and the free religious exercise of praying before a government meeting was barely upheld.

Five to four.

Liberal presidents nominate liberal judges, who – try as they might – cannot figure out what the Constitution really means because it contains all kinds of confusing English words. It’s something to remember next time you vote for president.

Veterinarians Will Carry Out
Future Capital Punishments

By Jim Berlin

Reacting to a public outcry over another botched execution of a death row inmate, Attorney General Eric Holder has ordered the American Veterinarian Medical Association (AVMA) to carry out all future executions.

On Tuesday an Oklahoma prisoner, Clayton Lockett, regained consciousness after being “lethally injected,” then survived another 40 minutes before dying of a heart attack.

“Veterinarians humanely put down thousands of animals every day without a hitch,” Holder said. “They are obviously more qualified than traditional doctors when it comes to euthanasia.”

Dr. Shelby Cowpie, president of the AVMA, readily agreed: “Medical doctors are a bunch of prima donnas,” he said. “Hell, our vets routinely put down cows and horses weighing one to two thousand pounds and they go out like a light. Bada-bing, bada-boom! Good night, Mister Bull!”

When asked if veterinarians might have a problem terminating human beings, Dr. Cowpie said the question is already being addressed:

“The props department at Disneyland has

graciously offered to provide animal costumes which a condemned inmate can wear at his execution,” he said. “The prisoner can dress, for example, as a large duck, a mouse, a bear, whatever. The prisoner is happy, and the vet can pretend he’s just putting down one of God’s lesser creatures. Everybody wins.”

A Texas death row inmate of Middle-Eastern origin, Ikill Ferfun, said he is all in favor of “getting the needle” from a vet rather than a regular doctor.

“I especially like the costume option, and I hope it isn’t limited to Disney characters,” Ferfun told a reporter. “I’m kind of a whimsical guy, and I think it would be fun to go out as Big Bird.”