Democrats who fear Hillary Clinton will have her baggy blue panties handed to her by voters if she is the nominee are begging Joe Biden to throw his hat in the ring.
As a candidate, Joe has one great asset and one great liability.
The asset: He’s the kind of guy you want on the next barstool or at the family BBQ or helping chaperone your kid’s birthday party.
He is the kind of guy who – if he showed up at your front door at midnight and asked to use your bathroom for a few hours because he had “the mother of all diarrhea” – you would say, “Sure, Joe. My house is your house. Cigar?”
The liability: Proper illumination in the Oval Office calls for a 100-watt bulb and Joe is, at best, a 60-watt. He might cast a warm, soft glow over the room, but he’ll never really light it up to America’s satisfaction.
Granted, just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you’re wise. But you can’t be wise without first being smart. And if Joe is smart, he is a master of disguise.
This isn’t to say that Biden – or any other well-meaning honest person — can’t win the democratic nomination and even the election. Barack Obama’s one true legacy is that he makes almost everyone else look better by comparison.
In one of her rare press conferences Friday, Hillary Clinton snippily told reporters something they’d never heard before: When called upon they would be “entitled to only one question.” Not two, not three, and certainly no follow-ups.
In a related matter, 99.5 percent of respondents to a national poll released Thursday said they considered Hillary “a total horse’s ass.” The CNN poll posed the following question:
“Do you think Hillary Clinton is (a) a total horse’s ass, (b) kind of a horse’s ass, or (c) obnoxious, but not quite a horse’s ass?
CNN information director Joe Metuzzio said 38 percent of those polled actually identified themselves as Hillary-supporters.
“What they told us,” Metuzzio said, was “Yes, she is a total horse’s ass, but she is our horse’s ass.”
Former president Bill Clinton, located in a different time zone and hundreds of miles away from his wife, quickly came to her defense: “I can assure you,” he said, “when Hillary and I hung out together in the late 90s she was not a total horse’s ass. But I can
also assure you, I have not had sexual relations with that woman.”
When informed of the CNN poll, a visibly angry Mrs. Clinton told journalists she would entitle a single reporter to ask her a single question about the subject at her next press conference.
“We’ll just see who’s the horse’s ass!” she shouted, her face reddening and spittle forming on her lips. “You lousy bunch of punks!”
Since announcing her presidential candidacy April 12th (not in person, but with a slick video), Hillary Clinton has avoided the press like a bank robber running from the law. She has refused to answer any question about anything.
Her silence on national issues and personal controversies doesn’t bother those referred to as “low-information voters” (dummies). Most low-information voters live on the public udder, the milk pumped into their little birdie mouths by Democrats in exchange for loyalty on election day.
And loyal they are. If a video were to surface showing Mrs. Clinton choking a little dog to death with one hand while slapping an infant silly with the other – all the while screaming “I hate puppies and babies and hope they all die!” – the dummies would still vote for Hillary.
And so will Democrats with brain cells similar to those entombed in the skull of Nancy Pelosi. Just as she told her colleagues they would have to pass Obamacare to find out what’s in it, they will vote for Hillary just to find out what’s inside her head.
Unfortunately for candidate Clinton, Republicans, independents and Democrats who are neither dummies or Pelosi-brained
are going to require Hillary to actually answer questions sooner or later.
Even The New York Times, which has carried the Clintons’ water like a Bedouin camel for 25 years, has begun satirizing her for acting like a surly teenage girl pouting in her bedroom.
You can run, Hillary, but if you want to be president of these United States…you can’t hide.
The Democrats should consider putting Hillary Clinton on mandatory bed rest until 2016, because if she is not their presidential candidate, here are the clowns waiting in the wings…
Clown Number One: Joe Biden.
The man is simply not bright enough to be president. If he were the night light in your tiniest bathroom you would trip over the toilet and fall into the tub.
Former Defense Secretary Bob Gates says the vice president has been wrong on every major foreign and national defense issue over the last 40 years. Joe even argued against the operation that killed Osama bin laden.
Clown Number Two: Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren.
Here’s all you need to know: On the sole strength of her improbable and non-verifiable claim to be one-thirty-second Cherokee, she sells herself as “the first Native American to serve in the U.S. Senate.”
One-thirty-second? You can become one-thirty-second Native American just by driving
through a reservation. If you simply shake hands with an Indian you will collect enough of his DNA to become a one-thirty-second.
To Elizabeth Warren’s credit – and this is the only thing I can think of – she has yet to claim she was suckled by unicorns as an infant.
Clown Number Three: New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo. Last Friday, Cuomo said those who are pro-life or anti-gay or supporters of gun rights “have no place in the state of New York.” Presumably, they will be required to leave on the next train out.
Hillary or the clowns. It’s why Democrats desperately pray for her continued good health.