Redskins Agree to Change Name:
New Logo Will Honor Black Men

By Jim Berlin 

Tired of what he calls “false accusations of racial insensitivity,” Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced today he will change the team’s name to one that “should be popular with players and fans alike.

“It’s time to honor the fact that over 70 percent of NFL players are Negroes,” Snyder told reporters, “which is simply a result of natural selection and their jungle roots. The guys who survived and passed along their genes were the guys who could outrun lions and tigers.”

The team’s new name, Snyder said, will be The Washington Colored Guys.

“This whole Redskins controversy has just become too much of a distraction,” the team owner lamented. “We want to get back to the business of playing football.”

Snyder said he has already assigned artists to work on a new logo reflecting the spirit of The Washington Colored Guys.

“I told them I want something simple yet powerful,” he said. “I’m personally leaning toward a really muscular Negro guy carrying a spear in a threatening manner. And here’s the

ingenious part: The words ‘colored guys’ would be etched on this really huge bone through his nose.”

When asked if he had tested the new name through focus groups, Snyder said he considered that unnecessary. “I have a good instinct for these things,” he smiled. “Some of my best friends are colored guys, and I know they are going to be thrilled to finally get the recognition they deserve.

“I mean, really, how many Indians are playing pro football? I should have changed our name to The Washington Colored Guys years ago. It would have saved me a whole lot of aggravation.”


Why We Cheer for Team USA
Like Our Lives Are At Stake

By Jim Berlin

I’m only a casual hockey fan but during Saturday’s Olympic OT shootout between Russia and the USA, I suspect my screams at the TV could actually be heard in Sochi.

We’re all involved to some degree, enthusiastically cheering on the red, white and blue even in Olympic sports as foreign to us as Slovakia – curling, skeleton, luge, halfpipe.

What’s got us so worked up?

The answer isn’t as straightforward as: We’re Americans, they aren’t; hip-hip-hooray and grab for the gold. It goes much deeper and further back than that.

The intense emotional bonds that tie us to “our team” are a primitive vestige of harder times in human survival. Safety back then was in numbers and loyalty – our family, our village, our tribe, our territory. The amateur and professional athletes who bear the banner of our school, city, state – our country – aren’t just playing games. They’re battling the barbarians at the gate.

When our team takes to the court or field, at any level of competition, ancient genes in our system from hundreds and thousands of years

 ago start sparking and lighting up, waving swords and battle axes, tightening down their helmets.

This is why men, the principle warriors down through the eons, also make up the bulk of sports fans. They’re still fighting the old wars, still battling the barbarians at the gate. It’s also why the less evolved among us – like the soccer “hooligans” of Europe – resort to actual and sometimes deadly violence against opposing fans.

Go USA? Absolutely. But we have to remind ourselves…it’s no longer life and death.

Obama Says He Loves Redskins:
It’s “Washington” That Offends

By Jim Berlin

Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters today that President Obama was misunderstood when he said the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name because many people find the word offensive.

“The President loves the name Redskins,” Carney said. “He believes it pays dignified tribute to a proud people. It’s the word ‘Washington’ that is causing needless offense around the world. And when you think about it, something like the D.C. Redskins or even the American Redskins would be just as effective for a football team.”

Carney said Mr.Obama has never been fond of the name Washington, and that many foreigners – particularly radical Muslims – consider it synonymous with The Great Satan.

When contacted about Carney’s remarks, President Obama confirmed he wasn’t referring to the Redskins portion of the team’s name, but the word Washington.

“Let’s be clear about this,” Obama said. “George Washington was a helluva guy and probably deserves the title Father of our Country. But that was a long time ago, and America was pretty much going downhill before I came into office. I’m working to turn things around, but trying to fix all of George Bush’s mistakes is going to take decades and lots and lots of Democrats.”

Obama said if America has any hope of cleaning up its image and being liked again, getting rid of Washington in all its uses

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is a good place to start. “The Washington Redskins is only a tiny beginning,” he said.  “We also need to eliminate Washington as the name of our nation’s capital. And of course, the state of Washington and all 26 U.S.cities named Washington will have to go. Picking new names will be fun for everybody and they’ll be helping their country at the same time.”

The owner of the Washington Redskins, Joe Metuzzio, said he was relieved to learn the President wasn’t criticizing the Redskins part of the team’s 80-year-old name.

“But were not going to change ‘Washington’ either,” Metuzzio said. “I think a lot of Americans still like that word, and Obama can just kiss my football.”



Alex Rodriguez and PEDs:
Like Spitting in God’s Face

By Jim Berlin

The most shameful aspect of professional baseball players using performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) is their failure to appreciate how truly blessed they are.

Their journeys to the highest level of the game can be viewed as a pyramid, with the base made up of tens of millions of little kids who first heft a bat and slip on a glove just a few years after making that hard slide from the womb. About two million of those youngsters will have sufficient interest to eventually don Little League uniforms and play for the “Tiger Cats” or “Crazy Comets” while mom and dad cheer wildly from lawn chairs.

But despite a shelf full of “participant trophies” most of those little leaguers will eventually recognize that physical skills are not evenly distributed. Mom and dad exaggerated; they’re not really great after all.

Still, one out of four will be good enough to later in life say they were among 500,000 American kids who play on high school teams. But only 31,000 will be able to say, “Son, you should have seen me when I starred in college. If it wasn’t for that nagging injury (a history of hangovers from frat parties), I might have turned pro.”

The pyramid has grown high and narrow by college, and it’s there when scouts from America’s 30 major league teams descend on baseball fields across the country with clipboards and speed guns in hand.

When all their reports and guesses are in, just 806 of those 31,000 college players — and a handful of high school seniors — will be drafted and assigned to a minor league team.

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The pyramid is nearing its apex now – but not so fast. Of those wonderfully-talented 806 players who actually get drafted by the Yankees or Braves or Diamondbacks, only one in ten will ever be promoted from the minor leagues to “The Big Show” – the organization’s major league team.

There are only 750 major league baseball players in all of America – 750 out of the tens of millions of little kids who first picked up a bat and glove. They are truly blessed, these 750 men.

And yet some of them – like Alex Rodriguez – have the nerve to tell themselves they deserve even more. They sneak drugs into their bodies – cheating their peers and fans — because being truly blessed is just not good enough. It’s like spitting in God’s face.

Shame on them all. May they rot in obscurity.